This weeks plan!

After a lovely day off, I’ve formulated my plan for this week! Firstly I’m ‘clearing out’ tonight! This involves 12 laxies and plenty of time in the bathroom! ( ewwwwwww I know) this week I’m giving up cheese and crackers! I’ve been using them as nearly every meal as the sizes and calories are easy to measure! Also I’m going down to one meal a day ( lunch) the only acceptable dessert is jelly! And then some sweets to get me through shows! On Friday and Sunday, when we don’t have shows, I’ll go to the gym!!
On a less psychotic note, I’m super excited that my parents have booked to come out here in the beginning of June 😊 I can’t wait to see them! I’m also indescribably happy that I feel this way again! The girl who dreaded seeing her mother last year really wasn’t me! I genuinely feel I have a lot to thank my anxiety meds for!!

Bye for now xxx

Knowledge vs eating disorder!

My eating disorders voice seems to have returned with a vengeance! Every day I get on the scales three or four times and I genuinely want to cry each and every time I look in the mirror! Here’s the big problem – I KNOW the losing weight takes time! You can’t lose two or three kg of actual body weight in a day! But my eating disorder just won’t accept it! It keeps telling me, I’m just fat and lazy and not doing enough to lose weight! As of last night I’ve not got a late night ab routine! But I know I’ll never be happy with my body!! I wish I knew how to be normal or even just how to accept my physical self as I am!

Bye for now xx

Feeling inadequate!!

You know it’s getting bad when you no longer jut feel fat but now you feel useless too! You doubt your ability at everything you try and the slightest mistake can reduce you to tears!!
Yup I’m there, today I feel fat, useless and annoyed with myself for being fat and useless! I had to go to my room after morning rehearsals just to take five minutes to breathe and all myself down! Tonights show is full off feathers, bikinis and belly out costumes! I’m dreading it! Which is heartbreaking because I love all the dances in it!!! I have to get out of this slump!

Bye for now ️xx

Grrrrrr!!

It’s bad enough trying to sleep with my stomach rumbling at me. It’s bad enough beating myself up for everything I eat. But the girl I share a room with is a disgusting slob when it comes to food! She’s the girl nobody wants to sit across from at dinner. She chews with her mouth open- making all kinds of disgusting sounds. And right now she’s eating in bed! About two feet away from me! I want to scream at her but I know she won’t get it! I bite my tongue a lot with her because she’s really not very smart and doesn’t seem to realise how annoying she is.
I need to put my headphones on, I can’t listen to her eat any more!! I hate listening to normal people eat, never mind a mouth open, loud chewer!!
Aarrrggghhhh!! How doesn’t she annoy herself!

Bye for now xx

I wish I could switch this thing off!!

When you go to bed so hungry you feel physically sick but can’t bring yourself to have even a cup of tea and then wake up still feeling sick but with an overriding fear of eating, then you know you’re in trouble! My heads gone into major obsessive mode these past few days! I’m planning a one small meal a day and fruit for tea diet! I’m scared to see my boyfriend on my day off because he’ll make me eat! I need a day where I don’t eat at all!!
I feel huge, I want to lose weight! I’m scaring myself! I’m wondering what this is really about!

Bye for now xx

Fat fat fat!!!

I’m drowning in my own mind right now! I’m feel epically hugely fat! I know logically I haven’t gained weight but that’s not what I’m seeing or feeling at the moment! I NEEDS to lose weight!!! I’m trying not to let my mind interfere with my life! I’ve got too much to learn and remember and I need my strength for dancing so much, but I know it’s not working I’m counting calories strictly and religiously, I’m cutting bits out- like I can’t have milk in tea anymore- and no amount of dancing can equal more calories!! I’m struggling but I hate what I see in the mirror, I have to lose some weight!!

Bye for now xx

The guilt of feeling poorly!

I’m poorly- AGAIN!! I’m pretty sure there’s a virus in my system, I’ve lost my voice, I can’t swallow and I feel generally Ill and lethargic! On top of that I had a bad reaction to last nights laxies! I only took three and I hadn’t taken any the day before but my stomach was swollen and painful from just a couple of hours after I’d taken then, and the pain in my sides it so bad I was starting to think my kidneys are taking too much abuse!
I always feel guilty when I get ill after I slip! I wonder if closing my throat off and making me poorly is my body’s way of stopping me binging and purging! I don’t know. All I know is today I managed half a plate of plain pasta and that was difficult enough! Our next big show isn’t till Saturday so I’ve got a bit of time but while I want to lose weight, I can’t afford to lose my strength!!

Bye for now xx