A rough day!

Yesterday was rough! I was up to the bathroom all night. I think I got about three hours sleep altogether. And then I slept in!! I had a painful stomach all day. Naturally I didn’t eat very much which never pleases my boyfriend! Then I was carrying a dish to the kitchen after dinner and i had it awkwardly and it got too heavy. I only just made it to the kitchen before dropping. My wrist hurt so much I thought I’d broken it. Then my bf told me it’s because I’m too skinny, I need some flesh on my bones – not fat – flesh. He said my hands look like an X-ray! I told him they always do.  Don’t get me wrong he’s always loving and giving me cuddles. He tells me I’m sexy but then tells me I’m too skinny! I don’t agree with either!

Anyway I got a better nights sleep last night. I’m up on time, but I can’t face any breakfast this morning. I’ve got a headache already so I need some pills but here’s hoping for a better day today!

Bye for now xx

Singing!

I wouldn’t say I’m a good singer but there’s something about singing infind therapeutic! I came in this afternoon resigned to making myself sick. Now I can’t binge like I did once upon a time, in fact I know what I eat in a binge doesn’t really count as much more than a normal meal for most people, but afterwards I really want to throw up. I’ve also managed to reduce these sessions to about once every two weeks. But tonight I started singing. Playing backing tracks on my phone and singing! I sang about 6 songs repeatedly for about an hour and didn’t want to throw up anymore! I still took 12 laxatives so I know tonight was still a bulimic episode but it was still a small success for me. I’ve found singing has helped me before, I need to remember this before I start eating when I’m having a rough day! 

Bye for now xx

I’m so tired!

I’m so tired right now I constantly feel like I’m going to pass out. I honestly couldn’t sit down yesterday because I knew if I did I’d fall asleep. After teaching senior ballet yesterday my hips hurt so much I couldn’t sleep. Today is the 20th in a row and I don’t think I’m going to get a day off for another four weeks! I can’t function, I need sleep! I have no appetite but I’m craving sugar and caffeine! I want to lose weight but through healthy small meals, not living off sugar and running on empty! But god am I struggling right now!

Bye for now xx

Feeling like Jelly!

I haven’t felt very well at all today. I can’t figure out if it’s just mental or if it is a physical problem. I’ve felt shaky and like I’m about to drop all day. My anxieties have been high all day, some of the children have been driving me insane. I don’t know how I kept my cool today and didn’t really shout at some of them. But I also feel too tired to move. I’m lying on my living room floor trying to persuade myself to have some dinner, even though I’m not hungry. I’m just so very tired. I’m also feeling really emotional these past few days, like I’m constantly on the edge of tears. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I just want to escape and have a few days off everything! 

Bye for now xx

Feeling exhausted!

This weekend I totally burned out. On Sunday night I was so tired and hungry I actually ate take away pizza! My healthy eating definetly disappeared yesterday. Today’s been a challenge. I wanted to restrict and eat nothing to make up for yesterday. It’s been hard work to eat today but I’ve managed my usual porridge bar for breakfast and chicken wrap for lunch and settled on chicken and vegetable stew for dinner. I’m up to 1150 calories and I’m quite pleased with that. The trouble is I’m still exhausted, I was in bed at half ten last night! But it’s not enough. It was another difficult day at work today. The children in our new class are unbelievable. It feels like we are policing more than teaching. I’m only meant to be working eight hours in the school but I’m doing full time ATM, added to the 24 hours of dance classes I teach each week! It’s madness but that class needs three  adults in it at all times. I’m not saying it needs me, but it needs that third set of hands and until the governors accept this is truly necessary they won’t employ someone to share my job for the rest of the year! 

In the mean time I’m so run out already I’m falling asleep almost as soon as I sit down on a evening, my skin has broken out in horrible spots and I’ve felt full of flu for days! I’m genuinely worried I’m going to start fainting again, I go dizzy often enough! We’ve just started the third week of the school term and I need a break already!

Bye for now xx

Misophonia

I cried myself to sleep tonight because I missed him so much, I woke up to him sitting next to me eating a wrap. I had to sit up and move and away. My ears were to close to his mouth! I HATE the sound of eating! Have done since long before my battle with with my eating began! I remember feeling sick listening to my Mam eat cereal on a morning and having to leave the room when my dad was chewing something, his teeth and jaws making too much noise for me. Now I hate being next to him when he eats. I love him with all my heart but I want to scream when he eats! But what really frustrates me is that sometimes I feel my eating disorder doesn’t just want to control my eating habits but thos of everyone I hold dear also! 

Bye for now xx

Feeling good. 

I’m now nine days into my attempt of eating more healthily. Three meals a day, every day. No crisps, chocolate of sweets. I’m still only eating 1200-1400 calories a day but I don’t think that’s unreasonable for a thirty year old. I know lots of adults who try to eat around this amount and they don’t have, and never haven’t had, eating disorders. I’m not saying everything’s perfect I still don’t want to gain weight, I’d stole like to lose a little weight, and I get the scales every other day at least. But I feel good, I’m not as tired and I’m craving different foods. I used to constantly crave sweet sugary things. Now I’m finding myself crave things like meat in gravy, or cauliflower cheese. When I get hungry I want a meal not a bowl of crisps! I hope this system of eating continues to work for me!

Bye for now xx