Trying to think positively!

I caved and bought scales- and not cheap crappy ones, proper electronic ones that weight you down to 0.02kg! It’s ok I haven’t gained weight – if anything I’m down a kg since I came. Some guests were jokingly teasing me about my size, what I eat, and my scrawny arms the other night. I laughed with him but they’ll never realise how embarrassing it is for me or how relieved it makes me feel! I’m struggling to choose food at the moment because I can’t be sure of the calorie content! And I think my bf is getting worried because I ask too much about my body and he says I don’t eat enough to.
But while I’m beating myself about my failings I’m trying make myself see just how far I’ve come this year already! So far in 2015 I’ve only made myself sick once, I’ve cut my laxative intake down from 40-60 a week to 10-12 a week and I do make myself eat every single day! I’ve cut my gym time down to just three or four times a week! And I haven’t gained loads of weight! I gained a bit while I was home but I think I’ve started to lose it now.
Anyway enough rambling

Bye for now xx

Scared.

Normally every morning i go to the restaurant to get a cup of coffee to take into rehearsals with me. This morning I daren’t. I woke up at half past five feeling so hungry I thought I was going to be sick. I didn’t eat and now I’m still hungry and sat drinking coffee on my bed because I’m absolutely terrified that if I walk into the restaurant I’ll pick up something to eat. It’s stupid I know. By the time it got to lunch time yesterday I was useless, I hardly had the energy to stand never mind dance and my brain was quite simply fuzzy. I don’t understand why I feel the need to do this. Why do I have to be skinnier? Why I am incapable of fuelling my body to do the thing I love most?
I’m an idiot! But I’m an idiot who feels completely trapped in a world that she can’t escape!

Bye for now xx

Sometimes I worry myself!

I don’t know if anyone remembers, but when I started this blog two years ago I had a Romanian boyfriend who lived in cyprus. Well we met up last week and have been chatting since and he’s coming through to paphos again next week. Anyway when I was talking to him tonight I just couldn’t get the guilt out of my head and this is the conversation we had!

xx

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Seriously I’m not normal! I wish I was!

Bye for now xx

I’ll never see me how others do!

Today I lent a cardigan to a girl who I think is teeny tiny. She’s only about 5ft tall and she’s really petite. When she gave me it back she said she hoped she hadn’t stretched it! I don’t get it, there’s no way I’m smaller than her! My boss has taken to calling me little one when I’m not the smallest girl in my team! I’m 5ft 6in and today one of the girls pointed out my legs in leggins and asked if the gap was natural! Why do I feel and see a relatively chubby dancer?? My legs are getting too chunky! My belly is not flat! I need to but some scales!!

Bye for now ️xx

Catch up time!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in so long. I came to cyprus two weeks ago and it’s been crazy! I’ve learnt and performed 7 shows and I’m currently choreographing cats and some new numbers for the Irish show. The team are great, the dancing is of a very high standard and I like my boss. We’ve got one new girl, who’s been here a week, who’s useless. None of us understand how she got the job, but the assistant manager is trying to persuade the manager to make her kids club instead of a dancer. She’s weird also though. She shares my room and she’s intolerably lazy and messy and she doesn’t even shower daily! 😷
Anyway I’m mostly happy but I have no access to scales and I’m getting increasingly paranoid about my weight! So I desperately need to buy some! Ive made myself sick once, the night before my roommate arrived, but I’ve managed to dramatically reduce my laxative intake, I’ve taken just 12 in 15 days!! I’ve only been eating lunch, and then just having fruit or crisps or sweets. But the fruits been making me bloated. So to try and eat more sensibly and hopefully feel less fat, I’m giving up all sweets, crisps, chocolate and fruit for a week- and Maybe longer.
I’ll try not to leave it so long next time!

Bye for now ️xx