I want to to walk away

I want to walk away from my life. I’m constantly unhappy. I don’t enjoy anything at the moment. Even teaching is too much for me. I’ve been full of cold for two whole weeks, I’m having to move my dancing school cos we can’t afford to pay per hour where we are anymore- we’re moving to our own place which should be better but is just more stress that I don’t need. I want to walk out of the house in the morning and disappear. I don’t even think Alex would be bothered. He keeps saying I’m in a bad mood. I’m not just in a bad mood I’m fed up and unhappy and poorly. I can’t cope! I finally got a midwife appointment at 11 weeks pregnant! She gave me 40 minutes when I should have had an hour and a half. Didn’t even ask me how I’m doing mentally even though I told her I’ve had to come off my citalopram. I just want to walk away from my life. I can’t commit suicide right now that would make me a murderer but I don’t know how I’m meant to survive the next seven months! I can’t do this anymore! I’m currently at 101lbs and I feel huge! I’ve got 7 1/2 weeks till my wedding and I’m terrified of being fat and ugly on my wedding day! If I look or feel fat I won’t be able to put the photos on my wall and that will cause arguments with everyone! I want out! I want to just keep walking and walking and be somewhere where nobody knows me. To find a neglected cottage somewhere, to be a recluse and never see anybody. I can’t remember ever being truly happy, I remember things that made my life more bearable but I can’t remember ever being happy in life in general. I’ve always felt like a failure, like I’m letting everyone down, like nothing I do is good enough and nothing I do ever will be good enough. I wish I’d managed to starve myself to death by now! I wish one of my suicide attempts had worked! I want be anybody other than me!

Bye for now xx

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2017

I hate 2017!!

Ok so Alex proposed on Christmas Day and everything was looking good. Then the Tuesday after Christmas I couldn’t sleep, I had the worst indegestion and felt really sick and that’s when I realised I hadn’t a period in about six weeks! So I went  and bought a pregnancy test and yup I’m pregnant. Nine weeks now! To say I went into shock is an understandment. Anyway we’ve planned a wedding for march, which I’m not looking forward to at all. I’m going to be FAT! My Mam keeps banging on a bout photos and I don’t want any photos! I don’t want to be seen at all! I’ve gained about 3lbs so far and I’m done! I CANNOT gain any more! I’m so completely not ready for a baby, I’m terrified about everything. About getting fat, about giving birth, about the pain, about the messiness afterwards that can go on for WEEKS! About trying to look after a baby! Of course I’m also terrified that thinking like this will harm the baby and I will forever feel guilty if anything bad happens!  On top of this I lost my TA job just after Christmas! For no reason at all. I’m furious. They just got rid of all casual ta’s and made us apply for our jobs and then gave them to other people! People working towards their next qualification! After all the extra work I put in last term! I feel like an idiot! And I’m angry! 

I’m angry, I’m scared and I’m fed up! I just want to jump infront of a train.

I’m getting married in two months, I’m having a baby in seven. I should be happy but I’m not. I’m just scared and fed up! I cry nearly everyday and I’ve had to come off my citalopram. I can’t eat for pregnancy, I’m too scared of being fat! I don’t even want to but a wedding dress in case it doesn’t fit! I can’t be bigger than a size six on my wedding day! I worked so hard to get down to a four, or two in some shops ( uk sizes). I haven’t had any morning sickness just nausea and indigestion but I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve even had a midwife appointment yet and it all feels somewhat surreal, like a nightmare. 

I’m terrified and I feel so guilty for not being happy or excited! I feel like my baby will already feel unloved and unwanted. That’s not the case at all but I’m scared and I’m not ready!

Bye for now x

He ruined Christmas 

So tonight he’s drank himself into a vodka induced coma! He fell asleep downstairs with the tv blaring. I woke him up, in his drunken state he yelled at me. 

That’s it he’s getting an ultimatum. It’s the alcohol or it’s me! I don’t want presents, Christmas is ruined already. It’s 4am and I can’t sleep I’m so angry! He needs to give up drinking. 90% of our arguments are because of his drinking. It stops now or I’m out. 

Christmas

The lead up to Christmas has been decidedly difficult this year. I had so much stress with my show, my dad being ill, Alex had a crash and wrote off the car ( most importantly- he’s ok) and of course the forever present in my mind money and eating issues. I don’t know why I worry so much about money, we do ok and I’m financially 100% more stable than I was a couple of years back when I was going from job to job. That reminds me for some reason the board of governors at school has decided they don’t want casual teaching assistants anymore and I’ve had to apply for permanent position, which I don’t know if I’ll get! So that’s nice hanging over me at Christmas. 

I’ve really struggled this first week off work, eating while doing nothing isn’t easy for me. I made myself sick on Wednesday! I’ve taken too many laxies! Tonight I’ve deleted my myfitnesspal app – just till 27th January. I’m going to try not counting on Christmas and Boxing Day! I don’t know how well this will work- but I’ll try! I don’t want to eat at all tomorrow so I don’t have any laxatives in my system on Christmas Day! I think I’ve done well this first week off – I haven’t gained any weight, I’m currently at 96lbs, I really don’t want to gain weight at all over the Christmas holidays. I just can’t cope with it right now. 

Anyway that’s my ramble done. I hope you all have a peaceful and calm Christmas. 

Bye for now xx

Can’t it end now!

I’ve had enough. I’m not being dramatic, I’ve genuinely had enough. I can’t even be bothered to explain how much has gone wrong in the past week or why I’m so fed up. I just want to quit everything. I don’t care anymore. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I don’t want to have to face another day of my life. I don’t want to have to face or talk to another person ever again. I want out. I want it all to end now. 

A tough week. 

On Saturday night my dad was blue lighted to hospital. He had such a high temperature he was convulsing and he was in an incredible amount of pain. I was heartbroken – I was convinced he was going to die. He’s still in hospital, they haven’t managed to find out what wrong, just he has really high levels of infection. He his feeling a bit better. My mams exhausted from all this, she’s already on the suck for chronic anaemia. 

I struggled through teaching on Sunday with a pounding head cos I’d spent so long crying. Monday I had a seriously heperactive class of 5-7 year olds. They’d had their school concert and were bouncing! It was a nightmare. Tuesday I had a whole school rehearsal that drove me insane cos the kids were lacking energy and yesterday! Wednesday’s are the day my boyfriend is off work. After I’d finished work, we went to a garden centre to buy some new Christmas lights and then popped in to see my dad. Alex refused to listen to me directing him the way and drove in a giant square to get to the hospital. Even when I showed him a map he wouldn’t admit he’d gone the wrong way. We went to Asda on the way home and got a chicken and some bread for dinner ( we were both tired) they didn’t have shrimps. Alex wanted shrimps. He said he was going to stop at Tesco and go get some! I said no, the chicken will be cold. He said he’d be two minutes, I said he’s never two minutes! ( he’s not he’s the slowest shopper in the world.) so he went in a mood. When we got home I set the table and laid out the food. He went upstairs. He left me to eat dinner on my own. So naturally I didn’t eat enough. He came downstairs about 20 minutes later as if nothing had happened. I tidied up and went upstairs. Had a bath and went to bed. He kept coming upstairs all cheerful. I told him I have to eat by myself five days a week, it’s really unkind to make me eat alone on my day off. He put up the Christmas lights and was pestering me to come and look. I told him to go away. I went to bed really upset and I’ve woken up really upset. I spend nearly every day wondering when he’s going to pop the question and dreaming of getting married. Today it’s like a switch has been flicked. I want to leave. I want to go home. He knows how much I hate eating on my own ( most days I don’t eat dinner) and he left me alone. That was mean.  I feel completely depleted. I give up! He clearly doesn’t love me as much as he loves getting his own way!

Bye for now xx

Anxiety

My anxieties are really eating away at me right now. I’m worrying about everything all the time, I’m worrying about important things like money and bills and stupid things like like how many kisses I sent on a text. And of course I’m stressing about everything I eat and drink and the effect it’s having on my body. I layed awake for about half an hour at half six this morning worrying about what I’d eat this morning. I’ve got eight hours of classes to teach so need to eat something but nothing feels safe today. I’m tired, physically and mentally. I’ve got my works meal out a week today and I’m already worrying and planning how to restrict sufficiently this week to be ok next Saturday. 

Life feels hard at the moment. 

Bye for now xx