One poorly weekend

This has been a horrible weekend for me, I’ve been so tired out. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Today I did a tiny bit of tidying up and walked five minutes to the shop, and that exhausted me! I have binge watched old episodes of supersize vs superskinny  and slept. I feel so lazy. My parents haven’t even offered to come see me, they are at a dancing comp with my nieces, and my boyfriend has been at work. He often finishes early on a Sunday, but apparently not today. I’ve finally dropped below 100lbs, but I feel so tired and so sorry for myself right now I’m not even happy about it! Tomorrow I need to sort out out race night for Friday and I want to sort through some of my clothes and coats that I no longer wear. It’s so hard at the moment, the pull to losing more weight is feeling irrestible but I want so much to be happy and healthy! Or just to close my eyes and sleep forever so i don’t have to think or make choices anymore.

Bye for now xx

The darkest corners of my mind!

Today I’m sick. My body has caved and I’ve been curled up under a duvet all day! I was hoping the antibiotics I got yesterday with would have kicked in by this morning. This is the first time in over a year that I’ve cancelled my dancing schools weekend because I’m sick! I’m not happy about it but I was too unwell to stand never mind teach!

There’s a subconscious reason why I cram my life so full. I hate being alone with my thoughts! I always find my mind wandering to its darkest corners. It’s hurts me to remember the things I’ve been through and the things I’ve done to myself. Today my thoughts have been dwelling on my last suicide attempt. Over two years ago now. The anxiety attack that led to removing the battery from the carbon monoxide monitor, turning on the gas on the hob and taping the knob to keep it on, overdosing on paracetamol and drinking toilet cleaner! I remember ignoring my phone, ignoring people knocking on the door. I remember being carried out of my caravan and throwing up on the grass and then nothing till I woke up the next day in hospital. I remember days in hospital not eating, and sleeping at my managers till I was ready to go back to my caravan. I remember being put on citalopram. I wonder how I got through that shit and this week tonsillitis has taken me down! I’ve lost another lb this week, and I can’t work out if I’m happy or not! 

I hate spare time! I have too many demons to remember!

Bye for now xx

Nine years!

Another year has passed and my oldest niece has turned nine! Nine years ago last night she saved my life, by arriving six weeks early and stopping me committing suicide!

I normally have a post about how grateful I am, and I am but it’s been hard to motivate this post today. I’ve got tonsillitis again, I’ve just started a ten day course of antibiotics. I’m seriously struggling with my eating disorder right now. I’m trying to eat healthier but I want to be thinner. I’m feeling rundown and tired, I spoke to my doctor today and I’m getting some tests done for raynaud. Even though I know I have lots of blessings in my life at the moment I’m just not happy. I’m feeling unwell and I don’t know how to make myself well again! In the pictures from tonight I look horrendous, I look haggard. I look old! 

Bye for now xx

Poorlies again!

I woke up today with a horribly sore throat. As the day went on I felt worse and worse. I was so cold I put an extra jumper on over my dress and cardigan in school. The back of my lungs/ribs hurt so much, I’ve had ear ache and a headache and I was most definetly running a fever even though I was freezing. I went to sleep for a few hours when I got home and I’ve taken two lots of flu tablets so I feel a little better. I haven’t managed to eat much at all today and I’m feeling sickly and exhausted. I’m going back to bed now and I know I’m going to feel like death again tomorrow! I’m so fed up of being poorly, it seems to be a monthly thing but I haven’t even got my period yet this month ( running four days late now) and I usually get poorly at that time of the month ( my body clearly can’t cope with the extra work). I hate being ill and feeling incapable!

Bye for now xx

I never eat a whole meal!

I realised yesterday that while I do make a real effort to eat proper food, to challenge myself and eat the things my partner wants, I never actually eat a whole meal! Each meal I have lasts me two to three days! He bought us pizza on Sunday. Now id done eight hours of dance classes and I managed just under half, last night I ate another quarter for my tea and the last bit is still in the box but will probably end up in the bin. The same thing happens whenever alex cooks. Every meal lasts me two to three days! These are portion sizes I know I was eating at the beginning of the year. It’s not that I’ve changed what I’m eating. I don’t live of salad or soup, I just eat less and less of what’s put infront of me.

Bye for now xx


How many people do we know who are always starting their diet tomorrow, or on Monday? They can never seem to get motivated to actually to start that diet or healthy eating kick!

I’m finding I’m in the same , all being opposite, place right now.

I don’t like how focussed I am on my body and not eating right now. I don’t like the worry I see on my family’s faces. 

But I’m always thinking its ok I’ll start trying to eat more tomorrow, but tomorrow comes and I can’t do it. Something happens, i get stressed and I can’t face trying to make myself eat. I know that if I eat more I’ll start to feel better physically and then mentally but I just can’t seem to take that first step!

Bye for now xx

It’s been a hard couple of days!

So my Mam was in hospital yesterday  with chest pains, she came out today with them saying its bad chest infection. I can’t cope  with my family being ill. I get scared that they’re going to die. I know I can overly dramatic but I found it really difficult not to just cry all yesterday. 

Even my dad told me yesterday I needed to get my working hours down, it’s taking its toll on me. I’m so tired and ready for half term. I’m too tired to think straight at the moment, this is why I’m so desperate to lose weight. This is how I get when I get run down and tired. Yesterday i spent two hours outside in the cold and the rain. My hands were frozen solid and blue again. Today my voice is croaky and the knuckles on my right hand a swollen and very painful! It’s really getting to me now!

Bye for now xx