Attempting to recover againΒ 

so I’ve decided it’s time to make another real attempt at recovery. I don’t want to be ruled by food anymore, I don’t want to hate my body every single waking moment of my life.  My boyfriend has worked wonders with my appreciation of food, but now I want to enjoy it entirely without feeling guilty. 

I’m attempting to go cold turkey! I’m not tracking, counting calories, weighing or measuring food! 

It’s time for me to start living again. I want so much from life right now! And an eating disorder doesn’t feature at all!

Bye for now 

Feeling faint!

this evening I nearly passed out at my sisters. I don’t understand why, I’ve been eating so much this Christmas. I’d had a sausage roll and around half four today and I’d eaten some chocolate, but at nine of clock tonight I had to ask my sister for some crisps! My head was burning, my ears ringing, my hands shaking and my lips and tongue were tingling. Obviously my mam was really worried and made me have some chips when she brought me home. But to be honest I’m worried too. I shouldn’t be getting like this still! I eat way too much for this! 

Bye for now xx

Not pregnantΒ 

πŸŽŠπŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸŽŠπŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸŽˆπŸŽ‰πŸŽŠπŸŽˆπŸŽ‰πŸŽˆ 

Seriously not ready for a baby! Took a test- it’s negative πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ 

I need to know

ok so I’m still terrified that I may be pregnant! I would be five weeks gone now. I’m on the mini pill and have been for six weeks- I’m late, I’m constantly tired, thirsty and I’ve been having some weird feelings in tummy, not so much pain but discomfort. My boyfriend tells me I’m too thin, I’m currently at 46.5kgs, so maybe it’s this, maybe it’s stress or maybe it’s the pill messing my body up! I don’t know! But I am worried! We are not ready for a baby yet! We need more time, more financial stability, I want to be married first! I walked to tesco to get a pregnancy test- they were out of stock of ALL of them! It’s driving me mad!!

Bye for now xx

Home

Tonight I have an overwhelming want to go home. It’s been a long time since I’ve had this. It might not seem like such a big deal but the problem is where home is! I used to feel this a lot, and most often in my own bed at home, tonight I’m in my own living room. I am at Home! I’m came to the conclusion that this feeling was me wanting to return to God. I want to be at peace, I want to see my grandma again and my bunnies! When I want to go Home this badly what I really want is to die! I want to return my Heavenly Father! 

Tonight I just want to go Home! I want to be at Peace!

Bye for now xx

Christmas Eve

Christmas is here again. I’ve been more festive than I have been in years, I’m feeling very grateful this year. I’m grateful for my family, especially the kids who are literally my sunshine, I’m grateful for my dancing school and in grateful for my house and my boyfriend. Saying that the past couple of days have been challenging! Alex has been swinging between festive and extra grumpy! He was just plain rude at my sisters yesterday and today he accused me at shouting at him when I just spoke to him! I’ve noticed he does this a lot, he’s says I’m shouting at him when I haven’t raised my voice and if something isn’t exactly what he wanted he gets really grumpy really fast. It’s horrible, I’m constantly worried I’m going to upset him and he’s not going to speak to me for an hour or so! I’m on edge of tears and my Christmas spirit has crept away. On top of this my parents are arguing, my sisters arguing with my mother Nd I’m doing my usual peace keeper act! My family fight a lot anyway, but Christmas traditions into our house are quite simply everyone else fighting and my hiding in my bedroom crying. One Christmas my mam actually came up to tell me she was divorcing my dad!

You’d think I’d know by now, but every year I try and get in he Christmas spirit and work really hard to create a Christmassy atmosphere so everyone has good time and every year there’s fights and I end up crying! When will my  family learn Christmas is about family and gratefulness not presents and getting your own way!

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that your eating disorders, anxieties, or whatever it is that troubles you gives you at least one day of peace 

Bye for now xx

I hate being poorlies

Once again I’m poorlies! Feel like I swallowed razor blades, no voice, my face hurts and I feel like crap! But what I really struggle with is eating! I have no appetite whatsoever but I know I should try and eat because starving is not going to help me feel better! I really don’t want to be poorly on Christmas Day! It’s my first Christmas with my boyfriend and he’s off work!

Anyway doctors today and then one more dancing show to get through ( not my school another one I teach at) and then I’ve got nearly two weeks off.

Bye for now xxx