I’ve been feeling incredibly hungry these past few days. It’s as if my body’s just realised I’m trying to lose a bit of weight again! I won’t give in to the hunger because I know better. I’m hungry when I wake up but I know if eat then I’ll be more hungry throughout the day, if I ignore it it will eventually settle down. I’m also hungry on a night, at about 9pm it starts, but I won’t eat that late, because I know once I start on an evening I go into full binge mode and then od on laxies! And I’ve managed to seriously reduce my laxie intake!  I know I’ve managed to cut down on food since opening my own school, I’m just so busy at the moment, and the extra exercise must be helping! I’d gained 11lbs since last Christmas, my lowest weight in years, but I’ve managed to lose 6lbs so just 5 more to go! I want to be there in seven weeks, when my boyfriend comes over. 

I either inherited or learnt my obsession with weight from my mam. She was always overweight when I was a child and always dieting. She’s always commented on other people weight and always been really awful about very fat people. I developed anorexia at the same time my sister was gaining weight, and my mam was definetly more bothered about my sister getting fat! But I’ve written about this before. What I wanted to talk about is what’s happening now. Over the past year my mam has lost about a stone and a half with the help of a dietician. And for the first time in about 30 years is classed as a healthy weight ( her bmi is 24.9, or was two weeks ago), she still trying to lose another 7lbs. My mam is only 4ft 9in, so she is now only a few pounds heavier than me! My bmi is currently 17.7 ( I’m 5ft 5.5in) so I know logically I’m thinner than her, but for whatever reason my mind can’t cope with her weighing less than me! So if she’s losing more weight, I have to too. Don’t ask me why, I just do!! 

Tonight my mam decided to have a dig at my dad, demanding to know what he weighs so she could work out his bmi ‘for health reason’! She’s obsessed with people being fat or gaining weight! My dad never has been overweight! He used to be really thin but since his accident, 10years ago, he hasn’t been able to exercise so now he’s more normal sized. He’s still healthy! My mam even told me I’d have to watch my weight with my boyfriends cooking. He’s Romanian, they cook with cream! But who says that to somebody with a history of both anorexia and bulimia??? Like I hadn’t thought of it!! Like I won’t be watching my weight like a hawk! Makes me so mad! My own mother and she doesn’t have a clue just how harmful her words are to me!!

Bye for now xx

I love Saturdays!

saturdays are fast becoming my favourite day of the week! I already have a prep ballet and modern class, with little dancers aged 3-5, a primary ballet and modern class, with little dancers aged 5-8 that are wonderful. I’m also starting a beginners Tap class for these children, which I’m looking forward to. Then I have a private lesson with my niece for her grade 1, and a grade 2 class with some older girls in. It’s such lovely day for me! All of these little children to share my love of dance with 😃 
Bye for now xx

Happy world Ballet Day 

a ballet dancer through the years! 

Aged 19 – looking happy and healthy , been in recovery 6 months


aged 21- first long professional contract- struggled to look afer myself


aged 26- once again struggling to look after myself


aged 29- teaching ballet – thinki im doing ok right now but would like to lose a little weight

determined to get a strong plie and good use of the floor off this boy 😂😂


after a long day teaching


I wish I had more photos but lots of companies are funny about action shots- copyright and all!!
Bye for now xx 

Faking it!!

Do you ever feel like your just pretending to know what you’re doing, and at some point everybody’s going to realise you haven’t actually got a clue!! That’s how I feel about my dancing school, isn’t going to take off long term? Am I a proper teacher now? I feel like I’m just pretending to know what in doing! Don’t get me wrong I’ve got more qualifications than any other teacher I know, and I’ve taught on and off for years, but I feel like I’m making it up and hoping for the best! 

I hope this passes, I hope I develop more confidence! I don’t how to be more positive and stop questioning myself!
Bye for now xx


Today I could have done with a sick day! Except I couldn’t, I can’t afford not work. Inset my alarm for half ten and woke up feeling like death. I was so stuffed up I couldn’t face coffee so just had a vitamin sleep then went back to sleep on the sofa till half twelve! Then I had to wake up and sort myself out for work! 

Today hasn’t been easy! The buses were late so I’ve spent half my time stressing because I thought I was going to be late. The children in my first class, at a primary school, were in naughty mode today! And after I finished work at 8pm I couldn’t face food so now I’m starving! 

My antibiotics haven’t worked, my sinuses are still bad and chest and cough are worse. I can’t face food! I can’t eat dairy and I can’t face much else! I don’t have time to be sick! I need to work. I need to save money!!
Bye for now xx

Just not right!

Today has been another poorly day! I didn’t wake up till eleven, after lying in bed crying till well past three am! My face still hurts from sinus infection and now my intercostal muscles are hurting from coughing, and hurt extra more when I cough! 

I’m trying to decide to what extra classes to put into my school. I’ve had requests for adults classes, so I think they’re might be some money to be made there. But the problem is, I hate teaching adults! Especially people who are older than me, or ex dancers or dance teachers themselves! It terrifies me! I will have an anxiety attack! And it won’t get easier, no matter how many weeks I do it for! 

And I have my first day on placement tomorrow as a teachers assistant! And yep you guessed it, I terrified!!! 

Why can’t I just run away to a small corner of the world and just hide forever??? 

Bye for now xx


I’m lying in bed at two in the morning crying and seeing how many paracetamol I can buy in go on eBay. My life isn’t bad. I’m lonely, I miss my boyfriend and it’s still 9 weeks till he’ll be here, and he was too tired to really speak to me tonight.  I’m worried about money, I need to save some money, so I can contribute to what we need to get a place to live and for Christmas. But I need to earn more for that. So I’m trying to find a way to replace the classes that aren’t running with some that will! But I also need to save for December when I start paying rent! I also start my placement on Tuesday and go to college on Tuesday night! I’m completely overwhelmed tonight. On top of that I’ve been poorly all week, I’ve got a sinus infection. I couldn’t breathe while teaching and I kept feeling dizzy. This weeks been too much for me. I don’t think I really want to die but tonight everything is too much!
Bye for now x