He ruined Christmas 

So tonight he’s drank himself into a vodka induced coma! He fell asleep downstairs with the tv blaring. I woke him up, in his drunken state he yelled at me. 

That’s it he’s getting an ultimatum. It’s the alcohol or it’s me! I don’t want presents, Christmas is ruined already. It’s 4am and I can’t sleep I’m so angry! He needs to give up drinking. 90% of our arguments are because of his drinking. It stops now or I’m out. 

Christmas

The lead up to Christmas has been decidedly difficult this year. I had so much stress with my show, my dad being ill, Alex had a crash and wrote off the car ( most importantly- he’s ok) and of course the forever present in my mind money and eating issues. I don’t know why I worry so much about money, we do ok and I’m financially 100% more stable than I was a couple of years back when I was going from job to job. That reminds me for some reason the board of governors at school has decided they don’t want casual teaching assistants anymore and I’ve had to apply for permanent position, which I don’t know if I’ll get! So that’s nice hanging over me at Christmas. 

I’ve really struggled this first week off work, eating while doing nothing isn’t easy for me. I made myself sick on Wednesday! I’ve taken too many laxies! Tonight I’ve deleted my myfitnesspal app – just till 27th January. I’m going to try not counting on Christmas and Boxing Day! I don’t know how well this will work- but I’ll try! I don’t want to eat at all tomorrow so I don’t have any laxatives in my system on Christmas Day! I think I’ve done well this first week off – I haven’t gained any weight, I’m currently at 96lbs, I really don’t want to gain weight at all over the Christmas holidays. I just can’t cope with it right now. 

Anyway that’s my ramble done. I hope you all have a peaceful and calm Christmas. 

Bye for now xx

Can’t it end now!

I’ve had enough. I’m not being dramatic, I’ve genuinely had enough. I can’t even be bothered to explain how much has gone wrong in the past week or why I’m so fed up. I just want to quit everything. I don’t care anymore. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I don’t want to have to face another day of my life. I don’t want to have to face or talk to another person ever again. I want out. I want it all to end now. 

A tough week. 

On Saturday night my dad was blue lighted to hospital. He had such a high temperature he was convulsing and he was in an incredible amount of pain. I was heartbroken – I was convinced he was going to die. He’s still in hospital, they haven’t managed to find out what wrong, just he has really high levels of infection. He his feeling a bit better. My mams exhausted from all this, she’s already on the suck for chronic anaemia. 

I struggled through teaching on Sunday with a pounding head cos I’d spent so long crying. Monday I had a seriously heperactive class of 5-7 year olds. They’d had their school concert and were bouncing! It was a nightmare. Tuesday I had a whole school rehearsal that drove me insane cos the kids were lacking energy and yesterday! Wednesday’s are the day my boyfriend is off work. After I’d finished work, we went to a garden centre to buy some new Christmas lights and then popped in to see my dad. Alex refused to listen to me directing him the way and drove in a giant square to get to the hospital. Even when I showed him a map he wouldn’t admit he’d gone the wrong way. We went to Asda on the way home and got a chicken and some bread for dinner ( we were both tired) they didn’t have shrimps. Alex wanted shrimps. He said he was going to stop at Tesco and go get some! I said no, the chicken will be cold. He said he’d be two minutes, I said he’s never two minutes! ( he’s not he’s the slowest shopper in the world.) so he went in a mood. When we got home I set the table and laid out the food. He went upstairs. He left me to eat dinner on my own. So naturally I didn’t eat enough. He came downstairs about 20 minutes later as if nothing had happened. I tidied up and went upstairs. Had a bath and went to bed. He kept coming upstairs all cheerful. I told him I have to eat by myself five days a week, it’s really unkind to make me eat alone on my day off. He put up the Christmas lights and was pestering me to come and look. I told him to go away. I went to bed really upset and I’ve woken up really upset. I spend nearly every day wondering when he’s going to pop the question and dreaming of getting married. Today it’s like a switch has been flicked. I want to leave. I want to go home. He knows how much I hate eating on my own ( most days I don’t eat dinner) and he left me alone. That was mean.  I feel completely depleted. I give up! He clearly doesn’t love me as much as he loves getting his own way!

Bye for now xx

Anxiety

My anxieties are really eating away at me right now. I’m worrying about everything all the time, I’m worrying about important things like money and bills and stupid things like like how many kisses I sent on a text. And of course I’m stressing about everything I eat and drink and the effect it’s having on my body. I layed awake for about half an hour at half six this morning worrying about what I’d eat this morning. I’ve got eight hours of classes to teach so need to eat something but nothing feels safe today. I’m tired, physically and mentally. I’ve got my works meal out a week today and I’m already worrying and planning how to restrict sufficiently this week to be ok next Saturday. 

Life feels hard at the moment. 

Bye for now xx

Selfish acts of kindness

Today I went Christmas shopping. The town centre was heaving, filled with shoppers carrying heavy bags, enjoying our mini Christmas market, spending money to give their family and friends a good Christmas. There was Christmas music blaring out of every shop and shopping centre and Christmas lights everywhere. It was anxiety provoking for me but it was a happy sight. Until I saw a man, who I’d assume is homeless. Sat in the small gap between two shops, wrapped in duvet. He looked freezing, he wasn’t begging. In fact he was trying to be unnoticeable. Just like that my happiness crumbled. I couldn’t keep shopping, I couldn’t spend money on frivolous things even if I knew they’d make my family happy. All I could think about was that man. So I went and bought him lunch, just a jacket potato with cheese cos I didn’t know what he liked and thought that was pretty safe. This might seem to others like an act of kindness but to me it felt selfish. It was something I needed to do to lift some of the guilt I felt. I know I wasn’t spending money on myself. It was for my family and friends but still this man played on my mind. I think it’s because he was so quiet and huddled in the corner. He was asking for nothing. He expected nothing. It hurt me to see this. That somebody can feel so unimportant that he hides on the street, that so many people walked past him without seeing him. I wonder how many people I’ve walked past without seeing. It’s breaks my heart. There should be nobody in this situation, whatever their past, whatever their journey. Everyone deserves a roof over their head.

Bye for now xx

Too much

Today it all felt too much. Today I wanted to take extra meds because I just couldn’t cope. My boyfriend was 15 minutes late picking me up from work, I was stood outside in the cold. He hadn’t cleaned the kitchen and he’d left it an absolute state last night, so I had to do it after work. A parcel we’ve been trying to send to Romania got refused pick up because there wasn’t an extensive list of contents. And now I’m going to have to split it between three bags to post Royal Mail cos if I don’t, it just won’t get done! I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted it all to end. Then we went to the cinema! I had some popcorn and a Diet Coke. The coke was too full and the lid popped off! I spilt it and popcorn all over the chair and the floor. It was all I could do not to have a complete meltdown. Then I looked up he calories in the popcorn! Thank good I only ate half! I’m still over my limit today! No food allowed tomorrow! I added up Alexs total and he’s well over 4000 calories today! How in the world can he eat that! How doesn’t he feel guilty? I asked him and now I’m worried he’s thinking I’m calling him fat! I’m not I’m genuinely just curious. 

Today has just been completely too much for me! And tomorrow I have to attempt Christmas shopping! I want to hibernate for a few months, or maybe forever!

Bye for now XX