My life is pending!

i can’t cope with my anxiety right now. I submitted my folder for my teaching assistant course last week and am waiting to see if I’ve passed, I’ve been told this could take a month! And then on Saturday we had our first exams as a dance school. I can’t be in the room for the exams so I have no idea how anyone did! I’m petrified somebody has failed. I feel constantly sick and shaky and the IDTA are currently only up to sorting out exam sessions from 27th May, meaning I’ve got another two weeks to wait at least! Mine haven’t even been registered yet as far as I can see online! I really cannot cope with this. I don’t know how to proceed with my classes and I don’t know what I’ll do if anyone fails. I’ll never want to teach again! I feel like my whole life is awaiting judgement. I took double doses of my citalopram for a few days but I know this isn’t good for a month but I tried my normal dose today and I’m just teary and scared! I don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless over everything and there’s nothing I can do to speed up the process. I just want to sleep until I get my results! 

Unloved

He didn’t come to bed last night! I’d already told him I missed him. We’re both working crazy hours this hours – we see each other for about half an hour an day. He was mad at me because he thought i’d be home before he went to work yesterday afternoon – I wasn’t, the buses were running late so I walked! So he didn’t come to bed! He says he just fell asleep downstairs! But I know better, it’s another passive aggressive act to upset me! Like when I’m out at work and he puts the chain on the door so I can’t get in! He says it’s an accident! It’s not! 

Why can’t he understand I already feel so hideous and unlovable, he doesn’t need to try so hard to make me feel unloved! 

I told him this is an incredibly stressful week for me, my first dancing school exams on Saturday! I need his support not his anger or his indifference! 

Back through the looking glass

Like Alice I feel myself once again returning to my world of madness! I don’t understand why – in so many ways I’m a sensible, rational adult! I’ve completed my first year qualification to be a teaching assistant and been accepted onto the next level. I’ve had my dancing school for just under nine months and I’ve got 65 exams going in on Saturday! I live with boyfriend and have normal adult bills and responsibilities and yet……..

I feel myself falling once again. I was doing well I think and I don’t really know when I lost my grip but I know I’m not feeling very stable right now. I took ill just over a month ago and I lost a few pounds in the space of as many days. Of course I’ve always hated gaining weight back but I’ve pushed to lose a couple more pounds and I’m now sitting on the wrong side of 7 1/2 stone but while my rational brain knows I should try a regain, I want to lose another 4 or 5 and get myself below 7 stone! 

Tonight I did something I haven’t done in over six months! I made myself sick! I’ve felt it building in me the past week or so and tonight I caved! And the worst bit! I feel better for it!

Bye for now xx

Attempting to recover againΒ 

so I’ve decided it’s time to make another real attempt at recovery. I don’t want to be ruled by food anymore, I don’t want to hate my body every single waking moment of my life.  My boyfriend has worked wonders with my appreciation of food, but now I want to enjoy it entirely without feeling guilty. 

I’m attempting to go cold turkey! I’m not tracking, counting calories, weighing or measuring food! 

It’s time for me to start living again. I want so much from life right now! And an eating disorder doesn’t feature at all!

Bye for now 

Feeling faint!

this evening I nearly passed out at my sisters. I don’t understand why, I’ve been eating so much this Christmas. I’d had a sausage roll and around half four today and I’d eaten some chocolate, but at nine of clock tonight I had to ask my sister for some crisps! My head was burning, my ears ringing, my hands shaking and my lips and tongue were tingling. Obviously my mam was really worried and made me have some chips when she brought me home. But to be honest I’m worried too. I shouldn’t be getting like this still! I eat way too much for this! 

Bye for now xx

Not pregnantΒ 

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Seriously not ready for a baby! Took a test- it’s negative πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ 

I need to know

ok so I’m still terrified that I may be pregnant! I would be five weeks gone now. I’m on the mini pill and have been for six weeks- I’m late, I’m constantly tired, thirsty and I’ve been having some weird feelings in tummy, not so much pain but discomfort. My boyfriend tells me I’m too thin, I’m currently at 46.5kgs, so maybe it’s this, maybe it’s stress or maybe it’s the pill messing my body up! I don’t know! But I am worried! We are not ready for a baby yet! We need more time, more financial stability, I want to be married first! I walked to tesco to get a pregnancy test- they were out of stock of ALL of them! It’s driving me mad!!

Bye for now xx