Holiday so far 

so far I’ve managed to relax quite a bit- though I’m still very self conscious about my body! My bfs been called into work today so I took two laxative last night, cos I knew I’d be able to go to the bathroom this morning and no-one would hear anything. I’m hoping he doesn’t get called into work again- I want him to myself. 

I got away with eating just ice cream on the first day but he made me eat dinner yesterday- we also went to the wine festival last night. We went there the first year we were together so even though I don’t really like wine I really wanted to go. It was fun and i stomped grapes again. 

I slept really well the first couple of nights but last night my brain was in overdrive about everything I’ve got to do when I get home. Maybe I should take an extra citolapram today to helpe relax, I don’t know.

I’ve attached a few pics of me on holiday so far, I haven’t included any of my bf cos I think he should get to choose where he appears on the Internet and he doesn’t know about this blog, nobody does. Please ignore my giant thighs and belly! I will get onto losing weight when I get home!

Bye for now xx

  

One week!

I’m going on holiday for one week. Im going try and give my body a weeks break from laxatives! Im also going to avoid carbs, but I’m trying to take a week to relax and enjoy being with my boyfriend before the madness that septembers will be begins. 

So come on ed brain and anxiety monster! I needs a holiday! Please let me have one!!

Arthritis 

I think I’m developing arthritis in my hands. My knuckles keep swelling up and are painful for no reasons. I know arthritis runs in my family but I’m young to be getting it already. Does anyone know if eating disorders have any links to arthritis? It’s like my prematurely greying hair, I can’t help but think it’s my own fault! Arthritis and grey hair and I’m not thirty till next year! 😞 

On another note I got any e-mail saying my funding has been approved so I just need to wait for the paperwork now. 

Bye for now xx

Anxiety 

I always know when my anxiety levels are unbearably high. I either stick my fingers down my throat, or more often , attack what used to be my toe nails with a pair of nail scissors! This morning I’m waiting to hear about funding for my dance school and I’m literally passed myself! So I cut my feet the day before I go on holiday!!!

  Bye for now xx

Comparisons 

There’s a girl I know who I have always compared myself to.

We were both anorexic, and both dancers. I’ve mentally compared my career to hers and my attempt at recovery and normality . I want to ask her if she actually feels better, or if she struggles mentally like I do still. She put photos up today that, even though they’re wonderful photos, I wouldn’t have accepted! Why?? Because she looks normal- healthy! Kinda slim but not skinny! I want to know if she’s ok with this.

My dad took loads of photos today of my nieces birthday, but I hate most of the ones that I’m in because my face looks so fat- I even sneakily deleted a few!! I hate myself and my image so much. I feel like I’m drowning in self-hatred and I don’t know how to deal with it! I hope being busy in september helps me drop some serious weight!!
Bye for now xx

Just a bit sad

I’m feeling a little stronger today than I have over the weekend but all in all I just feel a bit sad. I feel so let down by my sister that I don’t want to see her or talk to her. But I have to- tomorrow is my nieces birthday. I just feel kind of lonely and sad!
On another note my mam was really pushing for us to go on a spa break today, she’s ben dropping hints for a while but today she was really pushing. I told her that it’s not my idea of fun, I’d get bored and I only really get sports massages! And only when I really need to. She’s disappointed I know! And I know she isn’t going to stop. But here’s the thing! I HATE the idea of being in my swimming costume with her all day, she’s so judgemental and i hate my body enough without having her judge it! And I HATE massages. I don’t want some stranger touching my body, feeling my fat! No thank you!!! 

I thought that when I stopped dancing is perhaps relax a little about my body. But actually I hate it even more, and I just want to keep it hidden. As much as I my dying to see my boyfriend this week, I’m dreading putting any of my bikinis or swimsuits out! I feel like a beached whale!!
Bye for now xx