A longing for normalcy!

i have an over whelming longing to be normal right now. I’m doing well with not counting calories but not with actually eating, I’m seriously obsessed with my scales and my laxative habit is out of control. Yesterday I fainted in rehearsals, and of course the first thing anyone asked was if I’d eaten lunch! I had, I think I had either sunstroke or dehydration. This morning a girl on my team actually cheered when I came in eating a slice of toast!

I don’t want to be that girl anymore, I don’t want to be the one they all worry about! I’ve been thinking about after I finish dancing, will my body be such an enemy to me then?!? I hope not!

I’m going to make a real effort to eat more normally! I slice of toast for breakfast, lunch every day and some cereal for dinner. I’m only going to eat ice cream when I’ve got my day or afternoon off, so I’m not replacing food with sweets.

I’m also really into my walking and running right now but I’m quite happy with that!

Wish me luck, bye for now xx

A truly awful day!

so I’m no longer choreographer at work! I knew it would happen as soon as the old choreographer returned! She didn’t like that there was someone else on the scene and she’s f**king the boss so of course she got her own way! And I can’t even just leave because my parents have booked a holiday in June! So I have to last the next eight weeks at least! I have no idea how I survived today, except that the citalopram must be working for me. I actually didn’t have a total break down and I managed to talk rationally to my boss. I wish I had more fight in me, I wish I could stand up for myself. I’ve done nothing wrong, so I’m sure it’s actually not allowed for him to break the contract like this. I’ve e-mailed equity for some help! 

I don’t know how I managed a whole day of work after that! He’s a total and utter bastard! 

The only thing I know for sure is that I won’t be taking another contract as a dancer. I’m done! I don’t want to work in a business ruled by arrogant arsehole men! And I certainly don’t want to work in a business where the only women who get anywhere are those who are sleeping with the boss!! 

I need my alex tonight. I need him to hold me while I sleep!

Bye for now ️xx

A truly awesome day!

Today I went to pafos zoo with smiley alex! I love animals and zoos anyway but I was desperate to go to pafos zoo as one of the guests showed me a photo of his daughter petting a tiger cub!
So today I got something I have wanted for as long as can remember. I stroked, hugged and bottle fed a tiger cub! It was unbelievable and I immediately fell in love! I’m so happy to have got this experience, it really was awesome!
After the zoo we enjoyed some time in the hotel pool and sauna and steam room. Then we went out for dinner! Alex asked if I’d try the fish meze with him. I’ve spent nearly year in cyprus altogether but had never had a meze. So I said yes. And I proud to be able to say I tried everything, and enjoyed it! I ate so much fish and I had to keep telling myself that it’s ok, fish is very good for you and in all honesty I can’t remember the last time I ate decent meal.
So now I’m sat in a hot bubble bath, feeling very full but very happy. I hope I can carry this happiness through the next six days of work, if I get down I always have my printed tiger picture to cheer me up!

Bye for now xxx

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Major catch up time!

I haven’t posted I ages because my phone charger died so I was without a phone while waiting for the Cypriot postal service to deliver me a new one and it’s far too difficult to type on my galaxy tab!
I don’t really know where to start with the post, except that I’m struggling with everything!
The old choreographer came back for a few weeks and to say I’m intimated is the understatement of the year! And then to top it off the old dance captain came back and is right little snooty cow! I was talking to my mam and the only way I could describe how I feel is unnecessary! They don’t need me, my job isn’t real! My boss found out I’d said if it wasn’t for my parents booking a holiday I’d leave! I tried to explain to him how I’m feeling but he doesn’t get it! He’s Italian and thinks the world begins and ends with the phaethon hotel. And while he sits there telling me how much I’ve got to learn and how imperfect I am and how he can make me perfect he just has no idea how hard that is for me to sit and take, or how many self-possessed arrogant men have told me this in my past!
I’m incredibly sad and overwhelmed at the moment which means I find myself choosing half an hours space on my own rather than going to lunch. So my food intake has dropped to some dried fruit and muesli for my tea, both of which I take from the restaurant at breakfast and keep for later in the day! My family sent me loads of easter chocolate but in all honesty I just can’t face it!
I was so ill yesterday, I think it was a migraine, I couldn’t even sit up, my head felt like it would explode and I was running a fever! I don’t remember most of the day a i was completely knocked out! I know in my heart it’s because I’m too stressed and anxious and I’m not eating enough!
So to some up I feel unnecessary at work and can’t do anything about it, except perhaps starve myself into oblivion! My boss told me today I needed to gain kilos!
The only time I feel happy and safe is when I’m with smiley alex!
At least I’m off tomorrow and we’re going to the zoo!!

Bye for now xxxx

This weeks plan!

After a lovely day off, I’ve formulated my plan for this week! Firstly I’m ‘clearing out’ tonight! This involves 12 laxies and plenty of time in the bathroom! ( ewwwwwww I know) this week I’m giving up cheese and crackers! I’ve been using them as nearly every meal as the sizes and calories are easy to measure! Also I’m going down to one meal a day ( lunch) the only acceptable dessert is jelly! And then some sweets to get me through shows! On Friday and Sunday, when we don’t have shows, I’ll go to the gym!!
On a less psychotic note, I’m super excited that my parents have booked to come out here in the beginning of June 😊 I can’t wait to see them! I’m also indescribably happy that I feel this way again! The girl who dreaded seeing her mother last year really wasn’t me! I genuinely feel I have a lot to thank my anxiety meds for!!

Bye for now xxx

Knowledge vs eating disorder!

My eating disorders voice seems to have returned with a vengeance! Every day I get on the scales three or four times and I genuinely want to cry each and every time I look in the mirror! Here’s the big problem – I KNOW the losing weight takes time! You can’t lose two or three kg of actual body weight in a day! But my eating disorder just won’t accept it! It keeps telling me, I’m just fat and lazy and not doing enough to lose weight! As of last night I’ve not got a late night ab routine! But I know I’ll never be happy with my body!! I wish I knew how to be normal or even just how to accept my physical self as I am!

Bye for now xx

Feeling inadequate!!

You know it’s getting bad when you no longer jut feel fat but now you feel useless too! You doubt your ability at everything you try and the slightest mistake can reduce you to tears!!
Yup I’m there, today I feel fat, useless and annoyed with myself for being fat and useless! I had to go to my room after morning rehearsals just to take five minutes to breathe and all myself down! Tonights show is full off feathers, bikinis and belly out costumes! I’m dreading it! Which is heartbreaking because I love all the dances in it!!! I have to get out of this slump!

Bye for now ️xx