Anxious,asthmatic, anaemic and allergic!

Every day I take asthma inhalers, extra tablets for aneamia, the strongest prescribtion antihistamines, and citolapram for anxiety. I’m on my last day of antibiotics for a chest and sinus infection, and last night I was suddenly hit in the eyes with conjunctivitis. At about twelve last night my eyes suddenly started to itch and feel unbearable sore, they went red and swelled shut and wouldn’t stop watering. My mama wanted to take me to the hospital but I refused. I used eye drops and a cold flannel to soothe. I woke up this morning with my eyes glued shut, looking like the elephant man, eyes swollen, red and watering. So I went to the doctor and now I’ve got antibiotic drops and I have to throw my eye make up and brushes out. I’m always sick! And I’m so fed up of it. And to make things worse tomorrow is my interview for college.
Bye for now xx

One major catch up!

i don’t really know where to start here, or even where I lay ended but in summary: I quit my job in Cyprus, I was too unhappy, I spent a month on holiday with my boyfriend and now I’m home. I’ve just starting teaching freelance but I need to earn more. I wouldn’t normally be so worried but I need to be saving for when my boyfriend comes over to live in November. I’m looking for more hours teaching, thinking of trying to set up on my own and trying to find some form of regular work. I’ve also got an interview at college on Monday for a teaching assistant course, starting in September. I’m trying to build a future but right now I’m anxious and panicking!

My eating disorder seems to have taken a major step back, but now I think I’m eating too much. I average about 1500 cals per day and I feel fat and unhealthy. As of tomorrow I’m cutting down to 1000 and banning sweets, chocolates, crisps, biscuits and cakes for a few weeks. I’m just going to eat two meals a day.

So basically I’m trying to be a grown up and plan for a future with my boyfriend, but my anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. Nothing feels certain. I want my own dancing school but I’m so worried nobody will come!
Bye for now xx

A longing for normalcy!

i have an over whelming longing to be normal right now. I’m doing well with not counting calories but not with actually eating, I’m seriously obsessed with my scales and my laxative habit is out of control. Yesterday I fainted in rehearsals, and of course the first thing anyone asked was if I’d eaten lunch! I had, I think I had either sunstroke or dehydration. This morning a girl on my team actually cheered when I came in eating a slice of toast!

I don’t want to be that girl anymore, I don’t want to be the one they all worry about! I’ve been thinking about after I finish dancing, will my body be such an enemy to me then?!? I hope not!

I’m going to make a real effort to eat more normally! I slice of toast for breakfast, lunch every day and some cereal for dinner. I’m only going to eat ice cream when I’ve got my day or afternoon off, so I’m not replacing food with sweets.

I’m also really into my walking and running right now but I’m quite happy with that!

Wish me luck, bye for now xx

A truly awful day!

so I’m no longer choreographer at work! I knew it would happen as soon as the old choreographer returned! She didn’t like that there was someone else on the scene and she’s f**king the boss so of course she got her own way! And I can’t even just leave because my parents have booked a holiday in June! So I have to last the next eight weeks at least! I have no idea how I survived today, except that the citalopram must be working for me. I actually didn’t have a total break down and I managed to talk rationally to my boss. I wish I had more fight in me, I wish I could stand up for myself. I’ve done nothing wrong, so I’m sure it’s actually not allowed for him to break the contract like this. I’ve e-mailed equity for some help! 

I don’t know how I managed a whole day of work after that! He’s a total and utter bastard! 

The only thing I know for sure is that I won’t be taking another contract as a dancer. I’m done! I don’t want to work in a business ruled by arrogant arsehole men! And I certainly don’t want to work in a business where the only women who get anywhere are those who are sleeping with the boss!! 

I need my alex tonight. I need him to hold me while I sleep!

Bye for now ️xx

A truly awesome day!

Today I went to pafos zoo with smiley alex! I love animals and zoos anyway but I was desperate to go to pafos zoo as one of the guests showed me a photo of his daughter petting a tiger cub!
So today I got something I have wanted for as long as can remember. I stroked, hugged and bottle fed a tiger cub! It was unbelievable and I immediately fell in love! I’m so happy to have got this experience, it really was awesome!
After the zoo we enjoyed some time in the hotel pool and sauna and steam room. Then we went out for dinner! Alex asked if I’d try the fish meze with him. I’ve spent nearly year in cyprus altogether but had never had a meze. So I said yes. And I proud to be able to say I tried everything, and enjoyed it! I ate so much fish and I had to keep telling myself that it’s ok, fish is very good for you and in all honesty I can’t remember the last time I ate decent meal.
So now I’m sat in a hot bubble bath, feeling very full but very happy. I hope I can carry this happiness through the next six days of work, if I get down I always have my printed tiger picture to cheer me up!

Bye for now xxx

IMG_2803-3

IMG_2792-5

IMG_2791-6

IMG_2790-5

IMG_2788-4

IMG_2789-4

IMG_2787-4

Major catch up time!

I haven’t posted I ages because my phone charger died so I was without a phone while waiting for the Cypriot postal service to deliver me a new one and it’s far too difficult to type on my galaxy tab!
I don’t really know where to start with the post, except that I’m struggling with everything!
The old choreographer came back for a few weeks and to say I’m intimated is the understatement of the year! And then to top it off the old dance captain came back and is right little snooty cow! I was talking to my mam and the only way I could describe how I feel is unnecessary! They don’t need me, my job isn’t real! My boss found out I’d said if it wasn’t for my parents booking a holiday I’d leave! I tried to explain to him how I’m feeling but he doesn’t get it! He’s Italian and thinks the world begins and ends with the phaethon hotel. And while he sits there telling me how much I’ve got to learn and how imperfect I am and how he can make me perfect he just has no idea how hard that is for me to sit and take, or how many self-possessed arrogant men have told me this in my past!
I’m incredibly sad and overwhelmed at the moment which means I find myself choosing half an hours space on my own rather than going to lunch. So my food intake has dropped to some dried fruit and muesli for my tea, both of which I take from the restaurant at breakfast and keep for later in the day! My family sent me loads of easter chocolate but in all honesty I just can’t face it!
I was so ill yesterday, I think it was a migraine, I couldn’t even sit up, my head felt like it would explode and I was running a fever! I don’t remember most of the day a i was completely knocked out! I know in my heart it’s because I’m too stressed and anxious and I’m not eating enough!
So to some up I feel unnecessary at work and can’t do anything about it, except perhaps starve myself into oblivion! My boss told me today I needed to gain kilos!
The only time I feel happy and safe is when I’m with smiley alex!
At least I’m off tomorrow and we’re going to the zoo!!

Bye for now xxxx

This weeks plan!

After a lovely day off, I’ve formulated my plan for this week! Firstly I’m ‘clearing out’ tonight! This involves 12 laxies and plenty of time in the bathroom! ( ewwwwwww I know) this week I’m giving up cheese and crackers! I’ve been using them as nearly every meal as the sizes and calories are easy to measure! Also I’m going down to one meal a day ( lunch) the only acceptable dessert is jelly! And then some sweets to get me through shows! On Friday and Sunday, when we don’t have shows, I’ll go to the gym!!
On a less psychotic note, I’m super excited that my parents have booked to come out here in the beginning of June 😊 I can’t wait to see them! I’m also indescribably happy that I feel this way again! The girl who dreaded seeing her mother last year really wasn’t me! I genuinely feel I have a lot to thank my anxiety meds for!!

Bye for now xxx