I don’t just hate my body I hate me!

I doubt everything I say and do.

I worry constantly about others opinion of me, my family, my friends, my customers, people who don’t really know me. And I care. I really care!

I hate my thoughts, I hate my feelings.

I hate my anxieties.

I hate that I’m naturally sad.

I hate that I’m opinionative , even though I normally don’t speak my opinion I annoy myself for thinking it, and when I do speak it I hate that I worry about what I’ve said.

I hate that I can’t express my feelings, I’d rather just put up with things than face an argument.

I hate that I constantly feel so damn unlovable.

I hate that at 30 years old I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in life.

I hate my voice.

I hate that my eyes don’t work well enough and I can’t see without my glasses or lenses.

I hate how selfish that last one is when I know so many people are much worse off!

And yes I hate my appearance! I hate my face, I hate hair and I hate my fat, ugly body!

Alone!

He has one night of this week. Tonight. He falls asleep downstairs by half past seven, at half past eight he decides he’s going to be because he’s annoyed because I’ve told him he’s snoring down my ear! Why won’t he just try sitting up, have a drink maybe, or just mate talk to me! But no!! This is the one night this week I’m not alone in the house and instead I’m just alone downstairs! 

I’ve eaten too much today so I’m going to od on laxies. It’s ok I don’t need to eat much tomorrow and I don’t need to eat at all on Wednesday. So I’m not going to. At least I’ve now lost the bit of weight I gained on holiday and I’m now back to my pre-summer weight. I was really terrified about having six weeks with very little work and gaining loads of weight but at least that hasn’t happened and now I can push for some further loss of the Autumn turn. 

I spend so much time at home alone it’s no wonder my minds constantly in overdrive!

Bye for now xx

I need to get out of this mindset!

Last night the barbecue was a bust – the food wasn’t ready and then the burgers came out first ( I don’t like burgers) we left before I’d eaten. I promised my man I’d make a sandwich, I didn’t I just ate some crisps ( chips in America) so once again I woke up so hungry it hurts. Still hurts because i haven’t eaten anything yet. My first thought this morning was no coffee today just lemon water because I’m going to my parents for a Sunday dinner! This will be my first proper meal since Thursday, I really shouldn’t be panicking over this. The fact that I’ve actually had a cup of coffee with milk feels like an achievement. I hate this preoccupation with food and calories and weight. I feel like I’ve gone back over ten years. I’m lying about food and eating, I’m eating small snacks and pretending they’re proper meals. I’m planning my clothes to hide my body, I feel fat and want to hide my body but I know my mam thinks I need to gain weight so I need to hide my bones! 

I want to be normal and I want to be able to switch my brain off. I want to enjoy my food and wear adult clothes. I want to wake up without a painful, empty stomach. I want to get rid of this anxiety about EVERYTHING in my life. I want to wake up excited about everything in my day not my dreading everything in my day! 

How do I get where I want to be?

Bye for now xx

So hungry it hurts!( TMI alert)

I know i didn’t eat enough yesterday and eating ten strawberries on an empty stomach turns out to be a bad idea ( had the runs after for like three hours.) This morning I’m so hungry my stomach hurts but I DON’T WANT TO EAT! I have to, I’ve got four hours of classes this afternoon and I can’t cancel because we need the money. I need some breakfast but there’s still that barbecue I have to face later! I really hope teaching puts me in a better mood later!! 

Bye for now xx

A tough day!

It’s been a really tough day today. I wrote earlier about my confidence issues today but TBH the days gone downhill since then. I had a panic attack earlier. I wanted to get some bits from the shop round to the corner so I didn’t have to carry them back from tesco ( milk, laundry detergent – the heavy things) but the cash point wasn’t working ( I don’t like paying on card)  So I went to the post office over the road but there was a really long queue and they were all really loud and I started panic. I had to go home and take a break before I go out and do the rest of my shopping. I had to walk to some shops about 30mins walk away and then stop at tesco on the way back. I went into clothes shops but couldn’t find anything I liked enough to try on, I looked at hair dye but couldn’t decide on a colour, so after buying the presents I needed to get I stopped trying. Tesco a is only ten-fifteen minutes away from me but my bags were so heavy I had to keep stopping. My boyfriend bought me strawberries yesterday so I had them for my tea with some cream. Now all I’ve eaten today is a couple biscuits this morning and a bow of strawberries and cream. I’m hungry but my calories already total 1000 ( creams really bad for you ) so I can’t bring myself to eat anymore! The irony of having done a food shop today and not being able to eat anything! I feel like crying because I just feel so useless and so pointless today. 

Tomorrow I’m meant to be going to my cousins barbecue, after an afternoon of teaching, but I really don’t want to. I can’t face another social event  let alone one based around food. Maybe I’ll just say I’m not feeling very well. It’s actually true just people always assume you feel physically unwell when what I actually feel is mentally unwell. 

Bye for now xx

Struggling with my confidence today!

When I wake up on a morning I usually kind of daydream or day-nightmare (daymare?) for a while. This morning I was thinking about my dancing school and how I’m worried about the new term and getting new pupils, and teaching my current students their new grades and putting on another show! And guess what? I got totally overwhelmed and starting to think about just not doing it. That I’m not good enough anyway, so I should just close. I don’t know why I’m feeling this. I thought the summer would give me time to refresh and recover but I’m still as tired and run down and now full of nerves or re-opening properly!! I’m back to wanting to pass out and end up in hospital for a few days to get a bit of a break! 😢
Bye for now xx

Twinges and spasms!

Does anyone else ever experience weird twinges, spasms, tingling or numbness? I seem to be getting this a lot lately. I get numbness in my feet and hands and twinges in my chest. Tonight I have a weird tingling feeling in right hand and I keep getting like spasms shooting through my left thigh! What’s this about? I’ve tried googling these symptoms but I get everything from nothing to worry about, to diabetes or MS! Anyone have any experience of this with eating disorders? I been fighting anorexia and bulimia for the most part of 14 years now ( sometimes my recovery is stronger than it is right now ) but this is something I’ve only noticed over the past few months. I’m kind of worried but don’t want to go to the doctors over it in case it’s nothing and I’m stressing for no reason! Or maybe it’s just anxiety related. 

Bye for now xx