Christmas wishes

2018 has been an awful year. I feel so guilty saying that because I adore my daughter, and absolutely treasure her. I’m incredibly grateful for her. But my baby aside 2018 has been awful. My husband was in a job working 60+ hours a week for £275! We couldn’t afford to live, the stress of it sent him into a depression. We’ve fought a lot, horrendously. I took the baby and moved in with my parents for a while. We still fight, I can’t bare to be near him when he’s had a drink. He’s gained a lot of weight, he wants sex and tries for it all the time but his hands on me make my skin crawl.

The baby has multiple food allergies, twice this year I’ve thought she was going to die. The first time she had a major reaction and threw up until she went into shock I was alone. She was blue lighted to hospital, I was holding her limp and lifeless and I was terrified. The second time she choked on a cereal bar she’d eaten many times before. I managed to get it out before the paramedics arrived, but still i was terrified. I never want to experience this again.

My dancing school feels like its never progressing, I’ve lost seven kids this year! I’m fed up of working hard for them to quit. I want to quit too but I’m stuck in a stupid lease. I’m fed up of working for roughly £2 an hour! Why do I even bother.

Our money has been so tight this year I’ve repeatedly gone days without eating so I know I’ve got money to feed the baby, all the while my husband buys himself alcohol.

Everyone keeps asking what I want for christmas and I can’t answer because the truth is I honestly have no want for material things, I really don’t think I deserve them. All I want is for 2019 to provide peace and security for my baby and for me. I want to escape all the drama and sadness that has haunted me this year. I’d like some financial security. My husband is a supervisor in the nhs now, and still there are days when I can’t afford to eat. I want to reconnect with my husband and I want my baby to be healthy and happy. You can’t buy these things, but I don’t know how you can get them.

Never enough

When the feelings of inadequacy are drowning your soul, your mind is all consumed by the overwhelming feeling of failure.

You’re a rubbish mother, who’s baby has fallen three times in four days and your terrified she’s going to get hurt. She runs at the speed of light and everyone thinks she’s hilarious but you don’t have the energy to keep up. But you don’t want to dampen her spirits, you don’t want the light and happiness to fade from her eyes. You don’t want her to be like you.

You’re a terrible dance teacher. Your kids lack confidence and make mistakes in their exams. You want to quit, to close doors, but you’re stuck in a lease because you make stupid choices. I can’t do this, I’m not good enough.

Your husband looks at you with nothing but disdain and anger. He detests you. When you haven’t cleaned the house and cooked dinner for him each day, he hates you. When you’re late home, even when it’s not your fault. Flat tire, stuck on dark road with the baby for two hours. He hates you. He won’t hug you when you’re sad. He only touches you when he wants sex. And then hates you more for saying no. Even though he won’t have spoken to you for days. He sleeps downstairs because he snores, and he hates that you won’t just put up with it. But he doesn’t get up with the baby so between them you get no sleep. And you love your baby so feel guilty for complaining.

You need a change. You need to escape. To take your baby and disappear. But you can’t afford it, you’ve nowhere to go. And the babys safety is most important. So you stay. Trapped in a life where you fail every day.

I want to to walk away

I want to walk away from my life. I’m constantly unhappy. I don’t enjoy anything at the moment. Even teaching is too much for me. I’ve been full of cold for two whole weeks, I’m having to move my dancing school cos we can’t afford to pay per hour where we are anymore- we’re moving to our own place which should be better but is just more stress that I don’t need. I want to walk out of the house in the morning and disappear. I don’t even think Alex would be bothered. He keeps saying I’m in a bad mood. I’m not just in a bad mood I’m fed up and unhappy and poorly. I can’t cope! I finally got a midwife appointment at 11 weeks pregnant! She gave me 40 minutes when I should have had an hour and a half. Didn’t even ask me how I’m doing mentally even though I told her I’ve had to come off my citalopram. I just want to walk away from my life. I can’t commit suicide right now that would make me a murderer but I don’t know how I’m meant to survive the next seven months! I can’t do this anymore! I’m currently at 101lbs and I feel huge! I’ve got 7 1/2 weeks till my wedding and I’m terrified of being fat and ugly on my wedding day! If I look or feel fat I won’t be able to put the photos on my wall and that will cause arguments with everyone! I want out! I want to just keep walking and walking and be somewhere where nobody knows me. To find a neglected cottage somewhere, to be a recluse and never see anybody. I can’t remember ever being truly happy, I remember things that made my life more bearable but I can’t remember ever being happy in life in general. I’ve always felt like a failure, like I’m letting everyone down, like nothing I do is good enough and nothing I do ever will be good enough. I wish I’d managed to starve myself to death by now! I wish one of my suicide attempts had worked! I want be anybody other than me!

Bye for now xx

2017

I hate 2017!!

Ok so Alex proposed on Christmas Day and everything was looking good. Then the Tuesday after Christmas I couldn’t sleep, I had the worst indegestion and felt really sick and that’s when I realised I hadn’t a period in about six weeks! So I went  and bought a pregnancy test and yup I’m pregnant. Nine weeks now! To say I went into shock is an understandment. Anyway we’ve planned a wedding for march, which I’m not looking forward to at all. I’m going to be FAT! My Mam keeps banging on a bout photos and I don’t want any photos! I don’t want to be seen at all! I’ve gained about 3lbs so far and I’m done! I CANNOT gain any more! I’m so completely not ready for a baby, I’m terrified about everything. About getting fat, about giving birth, about the pain, about the messiness afterwards that can go on for WEEKS! About trying to look after a baby! Of course I’m also terrified that thinking like this will harm the baby and I will forever feel guilty if anything bad happens!  On top of this I lost my TA job just after Christmas! For no reason at all. I’m furious. They just got rid of all casual ta’s and made us apply for our jobs and then gave them to other people! People working towards their next qualification! After all the extra work I put in last term! I feel like an idiot! And I’m angry! 

I’m angry, I’m scared and I’m fed up! I just want to jump infront of a train.

I’m getting married in two months, I’m having a baby in seven. I should be happy but I’m not. I’m just scared and fed up! I cry nearly everyday and I’ve had to come off my citalopram. I can’t eat for pregnancy, I’m too scared of being fat! I don’t even want to but a wedding dress in case it doesn’t fit! I can’t be bigger than a size six on my wedding day! I worked so hard to get down to a four, or two in some shops ( uk sizes). I haven’t had any morning sickness just nausea and indigestion but I’m constantly exhausted. I’ve even had a midwife appointment yet and it all feels somewhat surreal, like a nightmare. 

I’m terrified and I feel so guilty for not being happy or excited! I feel like my baby will already feel unloved and unwanted. That’s not the case at all but I’m scared and I’m not ready!

Bye for now x

He ruined Christmas 

So tonight he’s drank himself into a vodka induced coma! He fell asleep downstairs with the tv blaring. I woke him up, in his drunken state he yelled at me. 

That’s it he’s getting an ultimatum. It’s the alcohol or it’s me! I don’t want presents, Christmas is ruined already. It’s 4am and I can’t sleep I’m so angry! He needs to give up drinking. 90% of our arguments are because of his drinking. It stops now or I’m out. 

Christmas

The lead up to Christmas has been decidedly difficult this year. I had so much stress with my show, my dad being ill, Alex had a crash and wrote off the car ( most importantly- he’s ok) and of course the forever present in my mind money and eating issues. I don’t know why I worry so much about money, we do ok and I’m financially 100% more stable than I was a couple of years back when I was going from job to job. That reminds me for some reason the board of governors at school has decided they don’t want casual teaching assistants anymore and I’ve had to apply for permanent position, which I don’t know if I’ll get! So that’s nice hanging over me at Christmas. 

I’ve really struggled this first week off work, eating while doing nothing isn’t easy for me. I made myself sick on Wednesday! I’ve taken too many laxies! Tonight I’ve deleted my myfitnesspal app – just till 27th January. I’m going to try not counting on Christmas and Boxing Day! I don’t know how well this will work- but I’ll try! I don’t want to eat at all tomorrow so I don’t have any laxatives in my system on Christmas Day! I think I’ve done well this first week off – I haven’t gained any weight, I’m currently at 96lbs, I really don’t want to gain weight at all over the Christmas holidays. I just can’t cope with it right now. 

Anyway that’s my ramble done. I hope you all have a peaceful and calm Christmas. 

Bye for now xx

Can’t it end now!

I’ve had enough. I’m not being dramatic, I’ve genuinely had enough. I can’t even be bothered to explain how much has gone wrong in the past week or why I’m so fed up. I just want to quit everything. I don’t care anymore. I want to go to bed and never wake up. I don’t want to have to face another day of my life. I don’t want to have to face or talk to another person ever again. I want out. I want it all to end now. 

A tough week. 

On Saturday night my dad was blue lighted to hospital. He had such a high temperature he was convulsing and he was in an incredible amount of pain. I was heartbroken – I was convinced he was going to die. He’s still in hospital, they haven’t managed to find out what wrong, just he has really high levels of infection. He his feeling a bit better. My mams exhausted from all this, she’s already on the suck for chronic anaemia. 

I struggled through teaching on Sunday with a pounding head cos I’d spent so long crying. Monday I had a seriously heperactive class of 5-7 year olds. They’d had their school concert and were bouncing! It was a nightmare. Tuesday I had a whole school rehearsal that drove me insane cos the kids were lacking energy and yesterday! Wednesday’s are the day my boyfriend is off work. After I’d finished work, we went to a garden centre to buy some new Christmas lights and then popped in to see my dad. Alex refused to listen to me directing him the way and drove in a giant square to get to the hospital. Even when I showed him a map he wouldn’t admit he’d gone the wrong way. We went to Asda on the way home and got a chicken and some bread for dinner ( we were both tired) they didn’t have shrimps. Alex wanted shrimps. He said he was going to stop at Tesco and go get some! I said no, the chicken will be cold. He said he’d be two minutes, I said he’s never two minutes! ( he’s not he’s the slowest shopper in the world.) so he went in a mood. When we got home I set the table and laid out the food. He went upstairs. He left me to eat dinner on my own. So naturally I didn’t eat enough. He came downstairs about 20 minutes later as if nothing had happened. I tidied up and went upstairs. Had a bath and went to bed. He kept coming upstairs all cheerful. I told him I have to eat by myself five days a week, it’s really unkind to make me eat alone on my day off. He put up the Christmas lights and was pestering me to come and look. I told him to go away. I went to bed really upset and I’ve woken up really upset. I spend nearly every day wondering when he’s going to pop the question and dreaming of getting married. Today it’s like a switch has been flicked. I want to leave. I want to go home. He knows how much I hate eating on my own ( most days I don’t eat dinner) and he left me alone. That was mean.  I feel completely depleted. I give up! He clearly doesn’t love me as much as he loves getting his own way!

Bye for now xx

Anxiety

My anxieties are really eating away at me right now. I’m worrying about everything all the time, I’m worrying about important things like money and bills and stupid things like like how many kisses I sent on a text. And of course I’m stressing about everything I eat and drink and the effect it’s having on my body. I layed awake for about half an hour at half six this morning worrying about what I’d eat this morning. I’ve got eight hours of classes to teach so need to eat something but nothing feels safe today. I’m tired, physically and mentally. I’ve got my works meal out a week today and I’m already worrying and planning how to restrict sufficiently this week to be ok next Saturday. 

Life feels hard at the moment. 

Bye for now xx

Selfish acts of kindness

Today I went Christmas shopping. The town centre was heaving, filled with shoppers carrying heavy bags, enjoying our mini Christmas market, spending money to give their family and friends a good Christmas. There was Christmas music blaring out of every shop and shopping centre and Christmas lights everywhere. It was anxiety provoking for me but it was a happy sight. Until I saw a man, who I’d assume is homeless. Sat in the small gap between two shops, wrapped in duvet. He looked freezing, he wasn’t begging. In fact he was trying to be unnoticeable. Just like that my happiness crumbled. I couldn’t keep shopping, I couldn’t spend money on frivolous things even if I knew they’d make my family happy. All I could think about was that man. So I went and bought him lunch, just a jacket potato with cheese cos I didn’t know what he liked and thought that was pretty safe. This might seem to others like an act of kindness but to me it felt selfish. It was something I needed to do to lift some of the guilt I felt. I know I wasn’t spending money on myself. It was for my family and friends but still this man played on my mind. I think it’s because he was so quiet and huddled in the corner. He was asking for nothing. He expected nothing. It hurt me to see this. That somebody can feel so unimportant that he hides on the street, that so many people walked past him without seeing him. I wonder how many people I’ve walked past without seeing. It’s breaks my heart. There should be nobody in this situation, whatever their past, whatever their journey. Everyone deserves a roof over their head.

Bye for now xx