Anxiety

My anxieties are really eating away at me right now. I’m worrying about everything all the time, I’m worrying about important things like money and bills and stupid things like like how many kisses I sent on a text. And of course I’m stressing about everything I eat and drink and the effect it’s having on my body. I layed awake for about half an hour at half six this morning worrying about what I’d eat this morning. I’ve got eight hours of classes to teach so need to eat something but nothing feels safe today. I’m tired, physically and mentally. I’ve got my works meal out a week today and I’m already worrying and planning how to restrict sufficiently this week to be ok next Saturday. 

Life feels hard at the moment. 

Bye for now xx

Selfish acts of kindness

Today I went Christmas shopping. The town centre was heaving, filled with shoppers carrying heavy bags, enjoying our mini Christmas market, spending money to give their family and friends a good Christmas. There was Christmas music blaring out of every shop and shopping centre and Christmas lights everywhere. It was anxiety provoking for me but it was a happy sight. Until I saw a man, who I’d assume is homeless. Sat in the small gap between two shops, wrapped in duvet. He looked freezing, he wasn’t begging. In fact he was trying to be unnoticeable. Just like that my happiness crumbled. I couldn’t keep shopping, I couldn’t spend money on frivolous things even if I knew they’d make my family happy. All I could think about was that man. So I went and bought him lunch, just a jacket potato with cheese cos I didn’t know what he liked and thought that was pretty safe. This might seem to others like an act of kindness but to me it felt selfish. It was something I needed to do to lift some of the guilt I felt. I know I wasn’t spending money on myself. It was for my family and friends but still this man played on my mind. I think it’s because he was so quiet and huddled in the corner. He was asking for nothing. He expected nothing. It hurt me to see this. That somebody can feel so unimportant that he hides on the street, that so many people walked past him without seeing him. I wonder how many people I’ve walked past without seeing. It’s breaks my heart. There should be nobody in this situation, whatever their past, whatever their journey. Everyone deserves a roof over their head.

Bye for now xx

Too much

Today it all felt too much. Today I wanted to take extra meds because I just couldn’t cope. My boyfriend was 15 minutes late picking me up from work, I was stood outside in the cold. He hadn’t cleaned the kitchen and he’d left it an absolute state last night, so I had to do it after work. A parcel we’ve been trying to send to Romania got refused pick up because there wasn’t an extensive list of contents. And now I’m going to have to split it between three bags to post Royal Mail cos if I don’t, it just won’t get done! I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted it all to end. Then we went to the cinema! I had some popcorn and a Diet Coke. The coke was too full and the lid popped off! I spilt it and popcorn all over the chair and the floor. It was all I could do not to have a complete meltdown. Then I looked up he calories in the popcorn! Thank good I only ate half! I’m still over my limit today! No food allowed tomorrow! I added up Alexs total and he’s well over 4000 calories today! How in the world can he eat that! How doesn’t he feel guilty? I asked him and now I’m worried he’s thinking I’m calling him fat! I’m not I’m genuinely just curious. 

Today has just been completely too much for me! And tomorrow I have to attempt Christmas shopping! I want to hibernate for a few months, or maybe forever!

Bye for now XX 

Bedtime

I’m so happy to be in my bed right now.

I didnt sleep last night and I don’t know why, it’s was just one of those nights when I just couldn’t find a comfortable position, everything hurt. 

I’m feeling very stressed out with myself right now, I am losing weight, albeit slowly , but while every time I see it on the scale I feel good I know I’m being stupid. I have to stop this. I want to be under 95lbs for Christmas! I know this is terrible weight for someone of my height! Although I am pretty sure I’ve shrunk. I used to be 167cm but I used to be taller than my sister and I think she’s taller than me now. Osteoporosis runs in both sides of my family so it’s definetly a possibility, but I’m too scared to ask for a bone density scan. Anyway I’m feeling stressed cos I can’t get out of this mindset and I’m so fed up of being permanently freezing and exhausted! 

Bye for now xx

Me

This is me and then me and my sister, I got lots of lovely comments about the photo of me on my own but people don’t realise how long I spent getting ready! On the one with my sister I look like half a person! I’m so pale I blend in with the edges of my dress and even from a distance you can see how skeletal my hands are! I was so aware of eating enough tonight, everyone kept saying they didn’t want to be next me on photos. I never know how to take these comments!

Bye for now x

Anxious much!

I’m going out with some of the parents from my dancing school for a meal! This means eating! I don’t know what to eat! There’s no calories on the menu and I’m freaking out! I keep imagining waking up in the morning fat! Gaining 5lbs overnight! I was actually down to 97lb this morning but I didn’t dare record it because I’m blatantly going to gain tonight! I don’t want to go! I’m too anxious today! The though of food is terrifying me. I haven’t eaten today because I have to eat tonight! When I know alex is cooking a meal at home I take a couple of laxatives before I eat so I know I’ll clear before bed but I don’t want a poorly tummy when I’m out, and I’m teaching tomorrow so I can’t O.D tonight when I get in! I’m so stressed over this! I’m going to find it hard to socialise tonight! I don’t want go, but I have to! It’s my dancing school night out! 

Bye for now xx

A day off

I’ve finally got my hours reduced at work so today I was off. My first proper day off! I shortened 11 pairs of elv trousers, mad and attached red bows to ten teddy pair costumes, went into the loft to get out the other costumes I’m reusing, wrote my cast list and running order and ordered three Santa letters! I haven’t left the house and have just made it into the bath at 9pm. Next Thursday I need to go finish my Christmas shopping! Honestly it’s know wonder I’m always tired! At least my ever growing to do list has been greatly reduced this week! 

I feel like I’m kind of in a haze at the moment. Hovering at 98lbs, beating myself up every time i eat but knowing I need to eat more. Hating my scrawny hands and feet and my fat legs simultaneously! I’m just plodding along getting nowhere. Not getting any thinner but at the same time not getting any healthier! I’m just feeling completely bleurgh! Aw well at least the Christmas decs are up!

Bye for now xx