My body hurts! 😢

My body hurts! My throat , my stomach and my head! I was sick again! My new rule is I’m only allowed to eat if I’m leaving the caravan within half an hour! Then I don’t have time to spew! At least tomorrow I won’t have time to spew!
On a more positive note I did a lot of coursework today so at least there’s a bit of stress reduced!

Bye for now xx

I give up!

So after an unnecessarily stressful night at work I just made myself sick! I ate with the purpose to be sick! I needed to be sick!! Now there’s a lot of stress in my life right now and I think I’m compounding it by forcing myself to recover when I’m not in a good place! I think the extra food is making me more stressed and I can’t cope! So I’m going to try not to eat at all tomorrow and then I’m going back to one meal a day! I need less calories.
I’ve come to the conclusion tonight that I won’t be able to hold off attempting suicide again for much longer. I’ve reached the end of the line with so many issues and I just can’t cope! I want out. I don’t want help. I don’t want a break. I want out!!!

Bye for now xxx

Stressed and tired

I’m currently two things I hate being:- stressed and tired!!!! The combination of the two is dangerous for me. There’s just too much going on in my head! Money worries, college course , new job and too much too learn!!! I know I’m stressing unnecessarily about most of it but that’s me!! I wanted to cook chicken stir fry for me tea but realised my oven ignition doesn’t work!!! So had to have a ready meal cottage pie!! When I’ve planned for something and it doesn’t happen it really throws me out! And to make matters worse one of the girls on my team told me tonight she used to be bulimic!! Why would she tell me that?? To get me to open up to her? Or just to make me watch what she’s up to?!?! But I can’t do either!!! We hardly know each other and keeping an eye on her will trigger me!!! Selfish I know but I’m struggling enough already!!! Why would you confess something like that to someone you’ve only known a week????? I walked home from walk tonight with the thought I WANT TO BE SICK!!!! I’m pleased to say I didn’t – I haven’t eaten anything. But I did turn I my otherwise release!! I cut my toenails- I literally pulled two of them out so the sockets were pouring with blood!! I know this is me struggling to cope but I just don’t see a way out right now!

Bye for now xx

Healthy eating plan

So I’ve been alone in my caravan for 6 days and I’ve had 5 days of restriction and one where I b/ped and and then ate more!!!! Today I’ve got a sainsburys order coming today and I’m putting a basic plan into play! Weetabix for breakfast every day, either a yogurt or cheese snack for lunch and a meal for dinner. This will give me a maximum of 900cals each day! I can handle that! I think!

Bye for now xx

Challenge bunny!!!

Tonight is the first social gathering of my new team including food. I don’t want to go – I hate eating Infront of people and it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to do it with a new team! I’ve only been here a week! But I hate these situations – I can’t win! If I don’t eat much they’ll comment and if I do they’ll comment! And I’m really fucking tired so I don’t want to eat at all!! Any food is too much right now I just want to sleep! But I have to go otherwise I look rude and anti-social! I’ve had a fab night at work – we did our first show – but now I want to cry!!! This is hard for me! Too hard right now! I’ve got enough stress in my life without having to worry about social eating!!!

Bye for now xx

A fresh start

I left my job!!!! I hate it!!!! I was a freakin pontins blue coat and I never signed up for that and it was shit, my new manager was shit – put loads of cheesy unnecessary crap into our day and his one attempt of a show was the worst thing I’d been involved in in eleven years!!!! So I quit!!! I got myself another job- up in Skegness- we’ll be doing two to four shows per night and very little else!!! I’m so excited!!! I’ve also got a caravan to myself!!!! This pleases me cos it means more time and space for ballet course! But I’m worried about having nobody witness what I eat!! My eating had gotten really bad these past couple of weeks! I was surviving on plain biscuits and yogurt- totalling 4-600 cals per day! And if I ate more I threw it up! But I’ve been better the past few days! Mainly cos daddy came to drive me from wsm to superdrug – so I basically got about 24 hrs of serious much needed daddy time 😄. Also things have gotten really intense with my ex again and now he’s more of my bf then my ex!! I still love him I can’t help it! He said he’ll come see
Me as soon as he can! I hope he does!!!
But
For me this is a fresh start- I hope it was the right move! I think it was – I was seriously unhappy!!

Wish me luck – bye for
Now xx