A stressful day!!

Today I have really struggled with stress. Organising for my audition on Thursday, applying for more jobs and auditions. As a result I’ve made myself sick twice and taken 24 laxies!!! I need tomorrow as a rest day. I’m going to clean my caravan, play with my hamster and pamper myself.
I need to get myself as relaxed and confident as possibly for Thursday! Tomorrow I’ll feel hideously fat, after today’s bulimic mess! But
Tomorrow I’ll only eat stir fry veg because I can’t take any laxies, I’m up early on Thursday.
I’m such a mess!!!!! And I need to be skinny to have any confidence at all on Thursday!!!!
I just want to cry!!!!

Bye for now xx

Coping mechanisms

Today I prepared my cv and photos for Thursday audition. This wasn’t exactly easy because you’re only meant to take a one page cv to a dancers audition and mine is just too long. In the end I made a spreadsheet and inserted it as a picture! It looks pretty good to be fair. Then I e-mailed a company I used to work for and asked about winter work. They e-mailed straight back with a job offer but It’s not a dancing position, it’s in a small hotel as ents manager. I replied asking for time to consider and to be kept into consideration for any dance work they get in. She said she would cos there might be some work in the Canary Islands.
This is all productive and positive stuff but it was too much for me today! I made myself sick. I’m glad I did all That today so tomorrow I can just rest and relax and not damage my body with more stress the day before my audition!!

Bye for now xx

What a day!!

Today I walked for 3 hours!! Into town and back!! I had to collect my train tickets and couldn’t face the bus!! So I walked!!
While I was in town I went into a church. I cried and I prayed! I prayed not for a better life or for better things in my life but for the grace to appreciate the good I have in my life. I prayed for joy in my heart and for the ability to show myself the compassion
I’d willingly show others.
But again I struggled through work. I struggled to enjoy tonight’s show. I struggled to believe I could do it. And I struggled with my bosses assistant being mean to me.
After work I broke down and cried, and admitted to some of my friends just how low I’m feeling. They didn’t judge me but I know I’ve worried them. They said I’ve got to think of myself. And they don’t want me to leave but I can’t just keep going and allow myself to reach the point I was at 3 months ago.
I’ve made an appointment with my GP for a weeks time. If I’m not feeling any better, I’ll go and ask for help. Medication scares me but maybe It will help me. I don’t know. Maybe some counselling would help. I really don’t know!!
I’ve also replied to a message I got last week about touring job. I don’t know how good this job is but if I got it I’d go home. You travel from home. So maybe, just maybe, I’d get the best do both worlds! A dancing job and not so much time at home that my mam can wind me up or force feed me but enough time with my family that I get some security and stability back. Maybe!!

Bye for now xx

I hate this!!

I hate how sad and quiet I am! I hate how I can’t relaxed and enjoy my job. I just wish I could replace and enjoy the last six or seven times we do each show!! How can I enjoy the present while I worry so much about the future!!! How can I perform confidently when my confidence and self-esteem is so low and my anxiety is so high?? How do I get through this?? Can I get through this!!! I honestly don’t know!!!

Life isn’t a fairy tale!!

I’ve spent the past 5 months living and working in a place where every night we go off to some fairy tale land! We go to oz, Neverland, wonderland! By boss would tell you it’s this creativity that keeps him sane, that protects him from reality. And I think his assistant is actually tapped enough to believe it’s all real! But me??? I’m too much of a realist. Everyone thinks I’m a fairy. But trying to disappear into these magical worlds isn’t respite for me! It’s painful. Because then I have to return to the real world! And in the real world life isn’t a fairy tale!! No matter how much you want it to be. Happily ever after doesn’t exist. Life is full of pain and heartache! Determination and failure! Rejection and grief. Anxiety and stress. We cling to the make believe in a vain attempt to make the world a better place. We tell children tales of Santa Claus and birthday fairies so they don’t learn too soon that parents spend more money than they have just trying to make them smile. Why? Maybe if we removed the make believe and the fairy tales then the real world might not seem so bad!! Maybe if we were never told to reach for the stars we’d be happy with the earth. And maybe if we weren’t searching for our happy ever after then we’d be happy right now!!!
Who ever heard of a fairy who doesn’t believe in fairytales??? I have!! Maybe if I could find my wings I’d believe again!

Bye for now xx

Exhaustion.

Today I’ve reached that point where I’m just too tired to function, I have to go back to bed! I haven’t slept much at all this week and of course the whole eating thing is definetly not working right now. But at least I’ve now reached that point where my body has to give in to sleep because if it doesn’t I’ll end up fainting. I was stupidly close to that yesterday. If only I could get my brain to co-operate and switch off! I’m just do full of stress and anxiety at the moment!!

Bye for now xx

A hard day again!

I’m really trying to be more positive and not just dwell in my desperation. So today I booked myself some train tickets to go to London to do a cruise audition. I’m terrified it’s been nearly two years since I last auditioned. I doubt I’ll get the job but I’ve got to try and I’ve got to get myself back out there. But positivity is hard! I didn’t eat anyway near enough today. I felt sick after the panto – was the stupid skin rabbit and actually was sick after the gaga show. This was the worst I’ve ever done gaga, I felt so weak by the end!
How did I deal with it? I came home and ate, then made myself sick!!! After 19 days of not being sick!!! I pushed my body till the point it couldn’t function then punished it by making myself sick!!!
I am such a rediculous failure!!!

Bye for now xx