Tired girl.

Today’s been a good day! Tiring but good. I managed to eat a packet of crisps but then I had to do more abs and leg exercises! I’m starving now but I can’t have food, we’re in 10 in the morning for workout then rehearsals so I can take any extra laxies ( I’ve taken 2) so therefore I can’t eat!
This worst part of this is that I feel so fat at the moment. I feel like all the torment and guilt is for nothing because I’m still huge and flabby!!!!
Aw well at least I’ll get another hour and a half workout tomorrow morning!

Bye for now xx

Exercise!!

We’ve seriously backed off rehearsals here, due to other projects going on. I’m seriously feeling the lack of exercise. I’ve been going out roller skating but minus hours and hours of dancing I just can’t eat! All I’ve had today is sweets!!! And I’ve done two lots of party dances, an hours skin work and a pantomime in which I’m a skin character! And I still need to do some abs before I go to bed!!!!
I need to do more exercise because I CAN’T eat without it!!

Bye for now xx

Saturday.

Is it really bad that before 9am I already know I can’t eat today?? Yesterday was a four show night but tonight will only be two. I love tonight’s panto but I’m extremely anxious because it’s one that has a guest act in. And he’s my bosses best friend. The last time we were meant to do this show was the night I tried to kill myself and I haven’t seem him since. I know he’ll know but I don’t know if he’ll say anything. This should be my last ‘first’. I think after tonight i will have seen everyone who knows.

Today I pray my anxiety doesn’t completely take over.

Bye for now xx

Another long day.

Today’s been a long haul. I woke up upset after not being able to make myself go out the night before. I got mean comments from strangers at the market. I then made myself eat 6 chicken nuggets before heading into work at 4pm. My shift finally finished at 12.30!! We did work out! Set up, bingo, character party dances, pantomime, black eyed peas show, uv show, party dances and then I was on disco!!! I’m exhausted. As well as this I got my letter from the anorexia team today. I’ll get an appointment within 3 months!!! 3 months!!! Really!! So I am on my own then!!! I’m supposed to arrange weekly weigh ins with my GP! But I don’t want to!!!
I’m too tired to think logically about this!!!
I hope tomorrow’s easier!

Bye for now xx

The cruel words of strangers!

‘Here, do you think she’s anorexic?’
‘Probably have you seen how skinny she is!!!’

The conversation I heard from two male sales assistants as I walked into a stall on fantasy island market!!!
There was nobody else in there so I know it was about me!
I turned round and walked straight back out!

It took me an hour and a half to get ready to leave my caravan today. I finally settled on wearing a black skater skirt teamed with a cute Mickey Mouse top! I actually thought I looked alright by the time I went out today. Lat night I couldn’t go out because I felt fat and uncomfortable, i really didn’t need this today. I’m already struggling enough right now. I was quite happily looking for birthday gifts for one of the girls on the team but that comment made me want to run back to the safety of my caravan! So now here I am sat back on the sofa!!

You’ve got to be careful what you say! Especially about people you don’t know! You don’t know their story, you don’t know their issues! You have no idea how your mindless comments will affect them and you have no right to judge to them!!