What I want out of life!

What I want out of life has changed dramatically throughout this year!
At the start of the year I wanted to prove to everybody I was strong enough to recover. I wanted to stay working where I was, in Weston super mare, and do my ballet course so I could become a ballet teacher!
Then we got taken over by pontins and I wanted to find a job that would make me happy again
Then I found the job and moved but it was all too much for me with the ballet course! And I attempted suicide! Then all I wanted out of life was to be happy and healthy! I deferred the course.
Now I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. And it came to me as I considered buying new dance heels. I was wondering if it was worth the money if I was considering giving up after this season. I decided probably not. I not only don’t want to dance anymore, I don’t want to be anymore!
It’s now August and I’ve come to the conclusion that all I want out of life now is to get out of life!
I hope I can make this happen soon.

Bye for now xx

I needed today!!

Today hasn’t been that easy and it’s certainly been long but I’ve needed every aspect of it.
I needed the physical pain my laxative overdose caused me- it helped relinquish the hold that the mental pain of the past few days had on me.
I needed my happy place. I felt silly going to the farm alone. But I was genuinely so happy feeding the goats. I love them, they’re so simple and happy!
I needed to write my c.v and e-mail companies for winter work. I feel a little more organised now and seeing my c.v made me realise how much I’ve done.
I needed to be sick! I had to get the remaining badness out of my system.
I needed to throw out all the scary food in my caravan. Everything left from my parents visit. Foods I’m not currently equal to, foods that taunt and torment me.
I needed to clean my caravan, it will give me a fresh start tomorrow.
I needed to play with my hamster- just so I know there’s a least one small being that loves and needs me.
I needed to take a few more laxatives just to make sure!
I needed to plan my next couple of days food- two days of just a breakfast milkshake for dinner ( 251 cals) followed by a total fast!
And now I need my quiet time, with my face mask and my candles. Ready to let ana engulf me tomorrow. Already empty, hollow and waiting.
This is the beginning of the end!

Bye for now xx

Giving in to ana.

For the past year and a half this blog has been about my struggle to exist/live/survive while battling eating disorders. Trying to find some kind of balance, some kind of happiness. This struggles been unbearably hard. I’ve even made a serious attempt on my own life.
But this morning I’ve woken up with a decision. I give up. Last nights 45 laxatives caused me so much pain but I survived. My body is clearly quite resilient. I bought adios max yesterday. Today is the day I hand myself over entirely to ana. Diet pills will be taken with coffee or if I cave and eat anything. In three weeks time I have my first meeting with the anorexia team. My aim has changed, I’m no longer fighting anorexia. I’m working with it. I’m going to starve myself to death this year.

Bye for now xx

A difficult few days!!

The weekend with my parents was awful!!! It’s a good job my mother doesn’t have a clue what my year has actually been like! She’s still throwing my teenage eating disorder in my face!! We argued far too much!!! It was horrible! On top of that the team is currently full of dischord! This has resulted in me making myself sick today and tonight I’ve taken 45 laxies!!! I don’t think I’ve ever od’d this badly on them!! I’m a little scared to be honest!!

Listening to my body!

Today I did something unthinkable! I listened too my body! I’d had less than 6 hours sleep, done 45 min workout, 45 min danced rehearsal. Then spent 3hrs hopping/skipping/running/dancing round skegness in a fur rabbit costume- for the skegness parade!! I was exhausted! My parents had gone out for the day so I couldn’t get in my caravan. I was going to message my boss to ask if I could sleep on his sofa for a bit. And then I realised I wasn’t sleepy at all! I’d run out of energy! The last half hour of the parade I’d felt like I was going to collapse! I needed food!!! So I asked if anyone fancied coming to eat with me. Two of the team said yes! We went and got a Sunday dinner and I ate a full plate of proper food!!
Tonight I did four shows and I can honestly say the gaga show ( full half hour hardcore dance) was the best I’d ever done it!! I definitely reaped the rewards of that meal! I know I’ll pay for it mentally later in the week, but for tonight I’m proud of myself!!

Bye for now xx

It’s a sad day when you realise you’ve lost the heart!

I’ve always said you can’t do this job if you don’t love it. And you can’t be a dancer if you don’t have the heart!
I woke this morning with the realisation that I no longer have the heart! The things I once found fun- I now hate! I take no pleasure from my job and I’m actually ashamed of most of it!! It’s no longer worth the effort for me!
The trouble is being a dancer has defined me for so long. I don’t know who or what I am without it!
The only I know is that I am truly, deeply, sad!

Bye for now xx