Why is it that when people guess my size incorrectly I immediately feel enormous! Right now I want to cry because my bf bought me a t shirt in a size small instead of extra small! It’s too big but that doesn’t matter to me! It’s the fact that he thought I would fit the small!! Do I look as big as this t shirt!! Earlier in the week my new ents manager made the mistake of asking if both me and natalie were a size eight! She said no susie’s a four to six and I’m a six to eight!! But there it is again I LOOK like a size eight!! This is horrendous for me!! I usually only fit a six if its made from a stretchy material, so it’s cut smaller.!! All my jeans are a four!! But I LOOK LIKE AN EIGHT!!! Why does this make me feel so bad???? And do I honestly just look bigger than I am? Is it cos I’m not really skinny, I’m just small boned- there’s still too much fat on me?? Aaarrrggghhhh!!!!! I hate my brain!!! No one else would care!!! Just stupid idiotic me!
I am naturally not a happy person. I’ve been told so many times that I have sad eyes and its true, my eyes reveal that which I don’t want the world to know! I just can’t find happiness! This week I’m stressed and I don’t know why! My irrational OCD behaviours are coming back, I can’t stop tidying things away and cleaning! I actually changed the bed at two o clock this morning directly after sex!!! My body is driving me crazy, I can actually feel the fat living on it! I just want to scratch it all off!!! Why am I like this?? Why is it so difficult for me just to relax and enjoy life?? Why am I always so worried, stressed and just straight out unhappy? Why am I even here?
How ironic is it that when I’m feeling fat and extremely uncomfortable in my own skin I also feel unbearably fragile and delicate!! Today I feel enormous, I’m dreading dancing and getting dressed up to go out tonight! It’s going to be difficult to say the least! But I aIso feel this immense fragility today! I feel like I’m just moments away from shattering! I couldn’t walk forward into the wind today – it was too strong, my boyfriend had to help me. And I’ve been so cold that my lips went blue! I know I’m worrying my boyfriend, i can see it! And he told me today I’m getting too frazzled and even though I’m on my fourth day off he thinks I’m working myself too hard! I’m desperate for cuddles today but I’m so paranoid about my fat that his hands on my skin are unbearable! I hate this place!!! This place in my head where everything is a juxtaposition and I can’t see anything simply!!
Bye for now xx
Last night I slept at my boyfriends. It was awkward and I feel so bad for him. He’d bought sweets and snacks he knows I like but I couldn’t eat any of it. I kept moving his hands off my body, I don’t want him feeling my fat. I didn’t get the chance to take any laxies and that left me stirring over how much weight I’m going to have gained! And I woke up feeling really sad!
I’m meant to be going out tonight, I’ve got loads if new clothes from my birthday but I just feel fat and anxious! I don’t want to drink, that will make me eat and I can’t eat anymore. I’m too fat!
I don’t even want to dance in the show tonight, everyone will see how fat I am!
Bye for now xx
I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, everything in my life is utter chaos! We’re down to half a team at work, we don’t even have a manager, I thought my course module deadline was march 4th so i stressed to get it finished turned out deadline was march 14th! With us being understaffed and overworked I haven’t been going to the gym and I’ve been drinking to much and eating rubbish!! I was feeling pretty sluggish and gross anyway, I was a week late and pretty convinced I was pregnant last week, but it all kind if came to head last Thursday! My Birthday! I felt so fat in my dress I just cried all night and I’ve deleted every photo from that night out! Then I got told I have a compulsory week off cos I didn’t take enough holidays last year!! With no time to plan anything. So I’m using this week to get my head settled and my body in better condition! I’ve gained 4kg since January 2nd!!! I was 42 and now I’m 46!!! I really don’t know how I feel about that! But this week I’m living off cereal and smoothies and every day I’m going to the gym and swimming and then learning the whole ballet syllabus I need to know by August! I’m hoping if I kick start my motivation to workout I’ll make time to keep it up after this week! I can’t keep going the way I was! I feel so fat and self conscious that in all honesty I don’t even want to dance, either in class or shows, because i don’t want people looking at my body!! One one the regular guests told me I was looking much better last week! Meant as a compliment I know but to me all I heard was FAT!!!! Arrrggghhh my head really is screwed right now!
Bye for now xx
Right now i feel really really horrendously fat!!!! But I know why! I don’t want to go to work cos my boss isn’t here anymore and my assistant manager is the biggest bastard arse known to man!!! I’ve posted texts from him before!! I actually want to cry at the thought of another night at work!!! And it’s effecting every bit of me! My ed is loving this predicament! I DO NOT!!!