Am I really that small!

I hate having body dismorphia. I hate not knowing what I really look like! Today I went into newlook to have a look in the teenage section. I can ussually get away with an age 12 or if it’s dual ages age 12-13. Today I tried on some leather skinny trousers in age 12-13 and they were far too big – I could have tucked a jumper into the waistband- so I had to go ask for the age 10-11, which they didn’t even have! Then I tried on some leather shorts in an age 12 and they were nearly as bad as the trousers! I didn’t have it in me to ask for the age 11 so I didn’t get anything! The only thing that actually fit me was an age ten top I’d picked up by mistake ( thought it was age 12).
Am I really that small or are clothes sizes and even children’s clothes sizes once again in the increase?!?!?!?!?

Bye for now xx

I’ve done it again!

30 laxatives – again!!! I’m in sooo much pain right now! I don’t know how I’m intending on surviving christmas when I can’t even manage a ham sandwich without attempting to kill myself with laxatives ( not literally but I’m sure I’m close)!!!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was happy enough today but I had to eat, I once again spent most of act two in the second show feeling like I was about to pass out!! But I can’t tolerate when I eat solid or substantial foods!!! But even I know 30 laxatives is extreme!! And I know the pain I’m going to wake up in at some point in the night. And I know I’m going to suffer all day tomorrow. Yet somehow it all seems worth it just to get rid of the food!!

Bye for now xx

Relying in fluids

So once again I’ve woken tired and hungry- I actually just couldn’t get out of bed this morning! And once again I can’t face breakfast. Luckily I have some fat free cartons of strawberry milk, so I think I’ll try one of those instead. Not as many calories as a cereal bar but hopefully better than nothing, but also not too much for my conscience!!

Bye for now xx

Up and down!

I didn’t manage breakfast this morning! And as a result nearly fainted by the end of the first show! I was so lightheaded and dizzy and my ears had started to buzz!! The problem is that now I know I can do it!!
I have done better today though – eaten around 900cals and taken no laxies!!
I can’t work out whether I’m calmer about my after Christmas work situation or just quite simply resigned!! Who knows! I’ll just keep plugging!
On a happier note my old boss is coming to watch me tomorrow 😃

Bye for now xx

A very unsuccessful day!!

Firstly I failed massively in eating plan today so I’ve bought a notebook and made a gentler one to help me survive till Christmas!
Secondly I didn’t get the job I wanted so much! I got a letter saying I’d successfully passed the auditions but all the jobs had been allocated!! So I didn’t pass the audition then did I! So I failed! So I cried!
Thirdly my mam is now clearly in a mood with me because I’ve applied for a job down in Chichester which starts the middle of January! It’s too far away and she wants me to take a break!! That is me taking a break, I’ll get two weeks off in between jobs! She doesn’t understand how much not having a job stresses me out! She doesn’t realise I can’t just take unlimited time off!! I’m not a child, I’ve got to work!!
So now I’m back to applying for everything and anything and hoping somebody takes me! I hate it! I feel like such a bag of sh*te right now! I feel fat and ugly and past it and useless!!!
I just want to curl up and die!

Bye for now xx