Seven years ago tonight!

Seven years ago tonight I was living at home, working two jobs and waiting for my first contract as a professional dancer to begin.
I don’t remember what pushed me over the edge that day but I do remember taking a bottle of whisky and a lot of paracetamol up to my room! After 26 paracetamol all taken with whisky I heard my sister scream! She was seven and a half months pregnant and her waters had broken. Mam and dad went into a panic as thy rushed around to get her to hospital. I stopped trying to overdose. I was so desperate to meet my niece. I drank so much water. The next day I worked two jobs and my niece didn’t actually arrive till the evening so it was the day after I finally got to to meet her!! And I fell in love instantly. Anyone we’ll tell you there’s a special bond between me and my niece and I’ve always said she came early to meet me. ( I she’d have gone full term I’d have already moved away) but what I’ve never told anyone is that he saved my life!
So tonight I thank The Lord for y little miracle and my saviour! It’s all down to my amazing little niece that I’ve had the last seven years! I’d have never seen my dreams come true if she hadn’t arrived that night! I really love her with all my heart!
So happy birthday squidgeroo and thank you! I love you!!

Bye for now xxx

Trying to get myself on track!

So this past week I’ve been working really hard to get myself back on track with eating and exercise. I’ve been going to the gym and majorly hitting the cardio machines. I’ve also eaten a bowl of cornflakes for breakfasts on the days I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve also eaten a reasonable meal for dinner ( between 300-500 cals) and I’ve replaced at least half my sweets with fruit. It’s been a good healthy week! I’ve also had my hair done at the hairdressers for the first time this week. I’ve gone much lighter- blonde highlights!!! 😊

Today’s been difficult though. I didn’t get to the gym so my appetite has gone! Haven’t managed to eat anything sensible! Aw well one bad day isn’t going to kill me!!

Bye for now xx

Whatever!!

Definition of a w*nker!! A 43yearold man who looks at you in absolute disgust for cough and tells you he doesn’t want you in the dressing room because if he catches anything he’s screwed!!!
Definition of a first class *rseh*ole! A manager who repeatedly accuses a group of team member who get on well enough to class each other as friends of being a ‘click’ or having a pack mentality!!
Somebody tattoo f*ck off on my forehead!!! Or maybe screw you!! Bastard!!!

Quick update

I haven’t posted for a few days and quite a lot has happened. My closest friend on the team has left because she got a new job. I had a phone consultation for my anxiety therapy. And I completely lost control and motivation the past few days. I’ve made myself sick twice and I haven’t been to the gym.
So I’m going to muddle through till Friday, when it’s pay day, and then I’m kickstarting a health kick. If I’m going home next month I have to be able to eat a meal so I’ve got a food order coming in Saturday. I’m cutting out sweets for a while too. I’ve ordered some small meals and lots if fruit!!!
I’ll try! I hate how fat I am right now! I feel huge and flabby and uncomfortable. I need to sort it out!!!

Bye for now xx

Tired of it all!

Tonight is one of those nights when I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of my eating disorder. I’m tired of trying to fight it. I’m tired of my job. I’m tired of looking for another one. I’m tired of being single and lonely. I don’t have the confidence to meet people.
Tonight is one of those nights when I’m tired of living. I’m done. I’ve got no fight left. And while I don’t think I’ve got a suicide attempt in me right now I really would like to just close my eyes and die tonight. I wish it was that easy.

Bye for now xx

Just plain failing.

So I went to Pizza Hut with my friends and they didn’t offer us a kids menu. Anyone who knows me will tell you I absolutely never have the guts to ask for anything. Everyone else ordered buffet but I really couldn’t face that. All the unknown calories and portion sizes. I ordered a salmon and spinach pasta bake. When it came it looked huge and I couldn’t face the pasta so I sat and picked out the salmon and spinach. I could feel everyone watching me, especially my boss, so I tried. I managed just six individual pieces of pasta! I left at least 3/4 of my dinner! There was 660cals in the total fish but I haven’t a clue what I consumed! All I know is that I really did just fail!!

Bye got now xx

Eating out.

After last nights post I’ve spent literally hours scrutinising the Pizza Hut menu and I’ve come to the conclusion that if they’ll let me order from the kids menu I’ll be ok. I can avoid pizza altogether and have either macaroni cheese and ham- which is 327 cals or chicken strips which are 416 cals. There’s less cals in the macaroni but less carbs in the chicken strips. But the important thing is neither should bloat me out! I hope they let me order from the kids menu!

Bye for now xx