Feeling the effects.

Today I didn’t eat. Tonight I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I was in the verge of passing out all night. That feeling when your face starts burning up and you have to take a mouthful of juice to stop yourself fainting. I hit that point numerous times tonight.
I’m much more positive and less anxious at the moment, so I think my new meds are working well. But my eating disorder is definetly kicking my ass right now. I feel so fat and uncomfortable all the time! This is helped by the fact that my boss thinks it’s funny to make sound effects when he picks me up onstage! He knows about my eating disorder, he should know better!!

Bye for now xx

Thin!

Just a quick one. Yesterday I watched the documentary Thin on YouTube. Now it goes without saying that it was all heart wrenchingly sad but the thing that really got me was the run down of them all at the end. Not one of them really recovered! Breaks my heart!
Needless to say I had a night full
Of nightmares of my own anorexia and various fruitless attempts of recovery!

Bye for now xx

Last night I thought I was going to die!

I’ve long thought that I will eventually die of anorexia related complications. Last night I thought it was finally going to happen.
I went out with my friends in Saturday night- I only drank diet coke tho cos of my new meds- but it meant I couldn’t take any laxies! So I made up for it last night by taking twenty! This isn’t really an epic overdose for me but I hadn’t eaten so much in the past few days. I instantly felt so ill. My stomach felt like it was exploding, I was sweating and shaking. It was horrible! I honestly thought if finally managed to kill myself! And how ironic it would be accidentally!
The shows aren’t hard at work this week so I’m going to do some major restricting so I can seriously cutback on my laxative intake!

Bye for now xx

Learning to look out for myself.

One of the things I’m starting to realise Is that when it comes to excessive anxiety and panic attacks, as well as learning how to deal with and cope with the symptoms , is that if I can take myself out of trigger situations of I can. Tomorrow I meant to have a one on one rehearsal with my bosses bitch of an assistant. For the stupid skin character rabbit! I hate this role! I can’t see or breathe properly and in last scene there’s too many obstacles in my way- I’m scared of falling over! So I decided I wanted to speak to him about it. Unfortunately my boss is in top twat mode at the moment and said he was too busy to speak with me so I’d have to tell him the problem over text! So I did. I didn’t want to because he’ll think I’m falling apart and crying. I’m not, I’m taking myself out of a situation that could make me fall to pieces.

Here’s the text conversation we had: -
meAre you busy?
my bossI am at moment – have a deadline to meet – what’s up?
meJust wanted to speak about the rabbit before tomorrow
my bossI’ve asked Ruth to sort it… What’s problem ?
meRuth’s just going to tell me to move faster and the reason I don’t is cos I can’t see, there’s things in my way and it scares me. You said when you first made the rabbit a skin if I didn’t want to do it Ruth could. Does that still stand?
my bossYep – I’ll tell her she’s rabbit from tomorrow
meThank you

I know they’re both going to be vile to me tomorrow but I don’t care. I don’t have to be the stupid rabbit anymore!

Bye for now xx

A pleasant day off!!

I don’t know if this is just a change in my mindset because I know I’m finally getting the help I need or if it is the meds already working but I’m already feeling much calmer, positive and generally more rational! I feel a lot more like who I used to be! There’s been research done recently which shows ssri’s can actually have an immediate effect. I’m hoping this is true! The side effects haven’t been too bad so far, just a bit of a dry mouth and a headache this morning- but that went with paracetamol. And today I’ve had a nice relaxing day off! I can’t remember the last time I could honestly say that!
I really hope I can continue like this, because if I can my future is looking much brighter!

Bye for now xx

A big step for me!

So today I went to the doctors and asked for help for my panic attacks and anxiety. I was so nervous to do this but the doctor was very nice and very practical. He’s referred for cbt and therapy. I’m hoping that this comes through quickly. He also prescribed me citalopram, which is a ssri! I’ve always been terrified of being meds but I honestly think the time has come for me to try. All I want is for a calm, stress free end of season. I just want to be relaxed and content. I really hope I’m on my way!

Bye for now xx