I’m not good on my own

The girl I’m meant to share my room with isn’t staying this week! This means tonight I took four laxies instead of the two in intended! It also means I ate much less dinner! I am an idiot! 28 years old and if left alone I abuse my body! I feel stupidly Ill tonight! My throats closing up and I can’t breathe! But will I give myself a break! Of course not! As always my ed is in control!

Bye for now xx

Poorly again!

And so I start another crazily hectic week. Full of travelling and rehearsals! And I’ve been running late since my alarm went off because once again I’m horribly full of cold! Sore throat, blocked nose, headache, temperature – the works! I feel like rubbish! And tonight I have to attempt to eat dinner with my host family! And they’ve already expressed concern about my eating! Andy appetite is worse than normal when I’m ill!
Lord give me strength! I’m going to need it this week!!
I hope santa brings me a better immune system this year!
Bye for now xx

It shouldn’t be this difficult!

Today was the second time this week that my mam has taken me to pub for lunch! Both times I’m completely frozen and panicked when trying to order something. Both times I was faced with a menu full of big unhealthy meals. I can’t order these! They absolutely terrify me. Both times my mam repeatedly asked me if I was alright and if I could see anything I could manage. Both times I settled on a jacket ย potato! I know it disappoints my mam that I can still can’t relax and enjoy a nice meal. The thought of eating out and choosing from a menu just fillss me full of anxiety! Surely choosing a meal shouldn’t be so difficult!

Also today I travelled to birmingham for my audition. I don’t like birmingham for some reason it scares me to be alone here! And I really want the job I’m auditioning for tomorrow! Especially since I have to sing! And today’s been very trying! For no real reason, just a struggling kind of day me! I hope tomorrow is easier! I hope manage to relax at least a little bit!

bye got now xx

So fed up of this feeling.

I woke today once again feeling full of cold and exhausted. I seem to feel like this more days than not at the moment. I think my body is giving up. After all these years it just can’t cope. I’m constantly tired but this means I just don’t have the energy to beat the demons in my brain. ย I’m so fed up of being constantly poorly but I’m just not capable of doing anything about it! ๐Ÿ˜” I think I need a hug!

bye for now xx

It’s been a while!

So it feels likes ages since I last blogged and so much had happened. I finished my last contract and was lucky enough to get a pantomime for Christmas. I had a weeks rehearsals last week and it was great. I’m a dancer, choreographer and tommy the cat in dick Whittington! The teams lovely and I’m staying with a really nice family.
I’ve lost a few more pounds recently and I’m not sure how I feel about this, the family I’m staying with have already commented about my eating. The rest of the cast keep commenting on how tiny I am. They made me try on an age 5/6 jacket for a laugh! And it fit! ๐Ÿ™ˆ
I haven’t made myself sick in weeks but I’m not eating so much and when I do eat, I seriously overdose on laxatives! I took thirty on Friday night and spend an hour in the middle of night throwing up and the other! It was horrendous! I once again thought I was going to die! Which was scary cos I’m actually quite happy at the moment!
My anxiety has been a lot better with the cytolapram but I did have a panic attack on Saturday morning. There’s was a special needs man on the bus, drinking coffee and he sneezed coffee and snot on my legs and then he started to rub my legs to get it off. I cried and ran to another seat! I was so embarrassed and I felt so bad for the man but his carer was not doing her job!! I had to have a hot shower when I get home and I cried so much! It was awful and it really sucked cos if had such a good week in rehearsals and a great morning shopping! My parents had come to bring me home for the weekend and I was totally freaking out!!
Anyway today I have to get a new headshot taken and I’m really nervous because I really don’t know what I’m going to look like!
Anyway I’m going to try and do better with the my blogging!

Bye for now xxx

Seven years ago tonight!

Seven years ago tonight I was living at home, working two jobs and waiting for my first contract as a professional dancer to begin.
I don’t remember what pushed me over the edge that day but I do remember taking a bottle of whisky and a lot of paracetamol up to my room! After 26 paracetamol all taken with whisky I heard my sister scream! She was seven and a half months pregnant and her waters had broken. Mam and dad went into a panic as thy rushed around to get her to hospital. I stopped trying to overdose. I was so desperate to meet my niece. I drank so much water. The next day I worked two jobs and my niece didn’t actually arrive till the evening so it was the day after I finally got to to meet her!! And I fell in love instantly. Anyone will tell you there’s a special bond between me and my niece and I’ve always said she came early to meet me. ( If she’d have gone full term I’d have already moved away) but what I’ve never told anyone is that she saved my life!
So tonight I thank The Lord for my little miracle and my saviour! It’s all down to my amazing little niece that I’ve had the last seven years! I’d have never seen my dreams come true if she hadn’t arrived that night! I really love her with all my heart!
So happy birthday squidgeroo and thank you! I love you!!

Bye for now xxx