It shouldn’t be this difficult!

Today was the second time this week that my mam has taken me to pub for lunch! Both times I’m completely frozen and panicked when trying to order something. Both times I was faced with a menu full of big unhealthy meals. I can’t order these! They absolutely terrify me. Both times my mam repeatedly asked me if I was alright and if I could see anything I could manage. Both times I settled on a jacket  potato! I know it disappoints my mam that I can still can’t relax and enjoy a nice meal. The thought of eating out and choosing from a menu just fillss me full of anxiety! Surely choosing a meal shouldn’t be so difficult!

Also today I travelled to birmingham for my audition. I don’t like birmingham for some reason it scares me to be alone here! And I really want the job I’m auditioning for tomorrow! Especially since I have to sing! And today’s been very trying! For no real reason, just a struggling kind of day me! I hope tomorrow is easier! I hope manage to relax at least a little bit!

bye got now xx

So fed up of this feeling.

I woke today once again feeling full of cold and exhausted. I seem to feel like this more days than not at the moment. I think my body is giving up. After all these years it just can’t cope. I’m constantly tired but this means I just don’t have the energy to ebay the demons in my brain.  I’m so fed up of being constantly poorly but I’m just not capable of doing anything about it! 😔 I think I need a hug!

bye for now xx

It’s been a while!

So it feels likes ages since I last blogged and so much had happened. I finished my last contract and was lucky enough to get a pantomime for Christmas. I had a weeks rehearsals last week and it was great. I’m a dancer, choreographer and tommy the cat in dick Whittington! The teams lovely and I’m staying with a really nice family.
I’ve lost a few more pounds recently and I’m not sure how I feel about this, the family I’m staying with have already commented about my eating. The rest of the cast keep commenting on how tiny I am. They made me try on an age 5/6 jacket for a laugh! And it fit! 🙈
I haven’t made myself sick in weeks but I’m not eating so much and when I do eat, I seriously overdose on laxatives! I took thirty on Friday night and spend an hour in the middle of night throwing up and the other! It was horrendous! I once again thought I was going to die! Which was scary cos I’m actually quite happy at the moment!
My anxiety has been a lot better with the cytolapram but I did have a panic attack on Saturday morning. There’s was a special needs man on the bus, drinking coffee and he sneezed coffee and snot on my legs and then he started to rub my legs to get it off. I cried and ran to another seat! I was so embarrassed and I felt so bfs for the man but his carer was not doing her job!! I had to have a hot shower when I get home and I cried so much! It was awful and it really sucked cos if had such a good week in rehearsals and a great morning shopping! My parents had come to bring me home for the weekend and I was totally freaking out!!
Anyway today I have to get a new headshot taken and I’m really nervous because I really don’t know what I’m going to look like!
Anyway I’m going to try and do better with the my blogging!

Bye for now xxx

Seven years ago tonight!

Seven years ago tonight I was living at home, working two jobs and waiting for my first contract as a professional dancer to begin.
I don’t remember what pushed me over the edge that day but I do remember taking a bottle of whisky and a lot of paracetamol up to my room! After 26 paracetamol all taken with whisky I heard my sister scream! She was seven and a half months pregnant and her waters had broken. Mam and dad went into a panic as thy rushed around to get her to hospital. I stopped trying to overdose. I was so desperate to meet my niece. I drank so much water. The next day I worked two jobs and my niece didn’t actually arrive till the evening so it was the day after I finally got to to meet her!! And I fell in love instantly. Anyone we’ll tell you there’s a special bond between me and my niece and I’ve always said she came early to meet me. ( I she’d have gone full term I’d have already moved away) but what I’ve never told anyone is that he saved my life!
So tonight I thank The Lord for y little miracle and my saviour! It’s all down to my amazing little niece that I’ve had the last seven years! I’d have never seen my dreams come true if she hadn’t arrived that night! I really love her with all my heart!
So happy birthday squidgeroo and thank you! I love you!!

Bye for now xxx

Trying to get myself on track!

So this past week I’ve been working really hard to get myself back on track with eating and exercise. I’ve been going to the gym and majorly hitting the cardio machines. I’ve also eaten a bowl of cornflakes for breakfasts on the days I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve also eaten a reasonable meal for dinner ( between 300-500 cals) and I’ve replaced at least half my sweets with fruit. It’s been a good healthy week! I’ve also had my hair done at the hairdressers for the first time this week. I’ve gone much lighter- blonde highlights!!! 😊

Today’s been difficult though. I didn’t get to the gym so my appetite has gone! Haven’t managed to eat anything sensible! Aw well one bad day isn’t going to kill me!!

Bye for now xx

Whatever!!

Definition of a w*nker!! A 43yearold man who looks at you in absolute disgust for cough and tells you he doesn’t want you in the dressing room because if he catches anything he’s screwed!!!
Definition of a first class *rseh*ole! A manager who repeatedly accuses a group of team member who get on well enough to class each other as friends of being a ‘click’ or having a pack mentality!!
Somebody tattoo f*ck off on my forehead!!! Or maybe screw you!! Bastard!!!

Quick update

I haven’t posted for a few days and quite a lot has happened. My closest friend on the team has left because she got a new job. I had a phone consultation for my anxiety therapy. And I completely lost control and motivation the past few days. I’ve made myself sick twice and I haven’t been to the gym.
So I’m going to muddle through till Friday, when it’s pay day, and then I’m kickstarting a health kick. If I’m going home next month I have to be able to eat a meal so I’ve got a food order coming in Saturday. I’m cutting out sweets for a while too. I’ve ordered some small meals and lots if fruit!!!
I’ll try! I hate how fat I am right now! I feel huge and flabby and uncomfortable. I need to sort it out!!!

Bye for now xx